Expert: Druideck - 1/4/2008

Question
Hi.  Thanks for offering your wisdom is such a forum.  I love a man who quit drinking October 27.  He had one relapse one week later where he drank what was, for him, a small amount (3 beers).  Two weeks after that, this happened again.  It was then a month and a half before he again experienced what he calls "being stupid".  I tell you this so you have some background and because I think he is doing really well.  He is not in counseling of any kind nor has he sought medical advice.  He is the sort determined to do everything himself, and this is no exception.  He has promised to pursue these avenues of treatment if he is ultimately unsuccessful on his own.  Given that he used to drink everyday (for some years) I don't consider these three episodes to be indicative of failure.

I never drink and never have.  So, in my desire to be as empathetic as possible, I want to know how it feels to go through what he is.  At times, he has become quite cruel in his irritability.  So far, I am able to excuse it because I know that he is living something more taxing than anything I ever have.  However, I'm finding that his moods are affecting my own.  I'm treading a little too lightly around him for my own comfort.  It would really help if I had some insight into what it's like for him.  I try to imagine, but I'm sure I can't.  

Also, I've read about behaviours which are unhelpful in persuading someone to quit drinking.  What I'm wondering is what is helpful/not to someone who has decided to quit and is working on it.  When he has relapsed, I've not gotten angry (scared, because I fear this substance), or been judgmental. I just don't want to do or say anything that will sabotage what I consider to be heroic efforts due to my own ignorance.  I appreciate any help you can offer. Thank you.

Answer
Merideth,

I am amazed at your positive attitude towards what must be
a very difficult situation to be in.
You have to take care of yourself as his success will
ultimately depend on himself and whatever help he seeks.
Alcoholics are fiercily independent when it
comes to asking for help. We think we are able
to solve everything ourself but this is where our
lack of humility hinders us.
The recovery process requires a surrendering of our
willful behaviours. It becomes a sign of strength
when he reaches a point where he realizes he cannot
quit drinking. This "turning point" as it is called
is when we are ready to do whatever it takes to
get sober.
His irritability is likely from his grief in
seeing how powerless he is over drinking.
I sought help for myself because of my wife's
pressure to do so, but I never actually stayed
dry until I realized I would end up dead or in
jail if I didn't quit for good. My wife left
me and I had no one to sooth my hangovers,
no one to cover up for my behaviour,
I had only me to take responsibility for
my life and my drinking problem. This
is when I got desparate enough to go and
sit in AA meetings, go to treatment and see
an alcohol counsellor.
Many alcoholics are unable to accurately see
what is happening to them, the denial often
keeps them sick and often relapse is a sign
that they have not fully realized they need help.
I know you would like to help, but you must
not let him be like another child in your family,
Alcoholics need to learn responsibility.
If he can not stay sober more than a week or
a month he is still under the mental and physical
craving that alcohol causes. Every relapse
makes this craving reassert itself.
Only abstinence eventually reduces the craving
for alcohol.
One thing to know is he may be blinded
to the severity of his drinking by the illness.
These attempts at quitting are good because
they help one to realize the loss of
control they have.
He will likely struggle as long as he needs to.
One day he may hit bottom and feel total
defeat, this is when he needs to be directed to
help. Be there if he is trying to quit,
but don't let it go on at the expense of your own
happiness and life. You will not be able to
save him or change him anymore than if
this was a terminal illness which it can be.
Don't fight, manipulate or baby him. Walk away
and do something for yourself, he may
treat you better if you treat yourself with
the respect you deserve. Don't sacrifice yourself
for any man, expect good treatment. He has alot
of healing to do and that is a lifetime process.
I admire your desire to make sobriety happen
for him,  he may someday realize how much
value you have been through this trying time.