Expert: Rebos - 1/6/2008

Question
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I'm new to the disease of alcoholism, but I'm certain my husband is an alcoholic.  My husband doesn't fit the typical "image" of an alcoholic.  He doesn't go to bars, he doesn't drink and drive, and he doesn't drink in the morning or at lunch.  He's not physically abusive to me or our children.  As parents of two beautiful little boys, my husband and I don't have a very active social life.  After our boys are in bed for the night, my husband drinks alone at his computer while blogging about sports or politics. He drinks beer, often caps it off with rum, and sometimes even adds marijuana to the mix.  We've been married for 8-years and (as typical) his drinking has increased.  He drinks (heavy) about five nights out of the week (8-12 beers +).  Over the years I have pointed out my displeasure.  I've asked him to stop.  I likely even threatened him.  Lately, however, and after about a month of 100% frustration (and self pity on my part) I realized just how much his drinking affects our lives.  We don't have a good relationship.  He's very self centered - somewhat selfish.  He doesn't give 3% to the operation of our household.  He doesn't have a career (stay at home dad). It's as if he's just existing.  He is lazy, a procrastinator and unproductive.  Getting him to do anything that requires effort is like pulling teeth.  Realizing just how much of an enabler I've been, on New Year's Eve I told him that I love him and I want him in my life forever - but I only want him when he's clean and sober.  Today, he brought home a 12-pack of beer.  When he opened one this evening, I approached him.  I told him if he is not committed to stop drinking, then he will have to find another place to live (and a job) because I am going to file for a legal separation. This is where my uneasiness comes in.  Naturally, this bothered him and he became frustrated.  With an attitude, he poured out the beer he opened.  He said his drinking isn't causing our marital problems and etc.  He accused me of not loving him, he also said he drinks because he can't sleep, and other stuff.  It's as if he turned the tables and made it seem like all our issues are issues outside of the alcohol when I know darn well all our issues are because of the alcohol.  I suppose it's not even the alcohol - it's whatever is in him that causes him to continue to hit the bottle.  Our conversation tonight left me questioning myself and thoughts about his alcoholism/depression.  I'm prepared to end our relationship if it will help him recover, but after our conversation his words have my head spinning. Maybe he doesn't have an issue with alcohol.  Or, was his response typical behavior of an alcoholic faced with this type of consequence?

Thank you in advance.  I anxiously await your reply.

Answer
Good morning Katheryn and thank you for your question.

If your husband is an alcoholic… all of the things that you wrote that makes you think he doesn’t fit the “image” of an alcoholic because he doesn’t he doesn't go to bars, he doesn't drink and drive, he doesn't drink in the morning or at lunch, and he's not physically abusive to me or our children… are only “YETS” that have not happened yet! Again I say, if your husband is an alcoholic and that you are concerned enough to raise it as a problem in your marriage then… “If drinking causes problems then it is a problem”! Alcoholics don’t have to be one of those poor souls who walk around skid-row, are homeless, with a long coat and a brown paper bag in their pocket, disheveled, unclean, and maybe with a sneaker and a shoe on… alcoholics come in all shapes, children, wives, sizes, colors and in fact may even own computers.

Also, it makes no difference how much he drinks, where he drinks it, what he drinks or even who he drinks it with… The question that you must ask is; what does it do when he drinks it? The answer is that it causes problems in your relationship! All alcoholics are self centered to the extreme. Alcoholics are so self centered they can’t in the full sense of the words be husbands, fathers, friends, employees, or lovers. Alcoholics have “victims” and take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it! Your husband will think of many excuses as to why he is not the one who has the problem… that his drinking isn’t hurting anyone… he will blame people, places and things (including you) to the point that he will tell you to see a doctor or a counselor. For your own good never make any threats to your husband that you are not 100% willing to follow through with! Because then you will become an enabler and every time that you don’t follow through you are in a sense giving him permission to continue drinking!

Yes, he may be depressed because alcohol is a depressant. The more he drinks the deeper his depression will be. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will usually lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do. It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside force or incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

Whether or not you intend to stay married to this man I strongly suggest that you start to attend Al-Anon meetings. I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that come into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going and destroy your family unit. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your husband’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If I can be of further help please let me know in a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.