Expert: Druideck - 1/20/2008

Question
QUESTION: Why do alcoholic continue to ruin your life after you finally get enough nerves to leave.  After 28 years of marriage the alcoholism finally became unbearable. At least I finally decided no more. After getting 3 DUI'S and spending 6 months in jail, losing your house, job and family.  Not to mention 6 tries in a rehab program.  I want to severe all ties with him because I no longer trust or believe him. Is divorce in order?

ANSWER: Gwen,

-it sounds like you have decided to move on with
your own life due to the hardships being involved
with an active alcoholic.

-It also seems that you are having some difficulty
making a clean break from him.

-Is there anything or any reason that you
have not totally broken off any involvement
with him and gotten divorced as well?

-it is sometimes very difficult for an
alcoholic to let go of the people that
have been part of his life and illness.

-those people often put up with his lies
and irresponsible behaviour for years
and this offers him some comfort from
the reality of his condition.

-if he can keep you hooked into this, he
probably will try.

-At this point it will be up to you to decide
if you want to play along or break the
relationship and possibly get help if you need
to from experienced people like Al-Anon groups.

-your being involved so long with an alcoholic
can create a dependency in you that
keeps you from totally moving on with
your own life or even worse makes you attract
another alcoholic without even realizing what
the attraction is. This is called co-dependency,
you can find more info on the 'net about that.

-So getting a divorce may not be the whole solution,
some self-examination may pay off as in
finding out why you stayed so long in this
unbearable lifestyle. It is a pattern that
you don't want to repeat as I am sure you
are well aware of now. Take care of yourself
and let the alcoholic face himself without your
help. Start applying all your efforts to
healing yourself, this is the way to really
divorce someone, by taking back your self.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Is it normal to feel bitter,used and taken adwantage of in this situation?  I try to let it go however at times I really get angry. The financial burden that I was left with makes me tha angriest. The reason I stayed so long was to pay a 30,000 a year college tution for my daughter.  After she graduated I realized that it was time to go.  Moving on with my life is getting easier each day.  Should I ignore all phone calls?  The last order of business that I have with him is selling our home which is vacant now.  Would it be easier to file for divorce and let the court handle this.  With all said I know in my heart that I will never allow him to be a part of my life.  As of today no more contact at all.  Thanks for your answer.

Answer
Gwen,

-anger does not feel very good but is a natural
response to being in a situation like yours.

-Sometimes we blame others when we feel cheated
out of things we wanted. To turn this around
it helps to remember this is a very ill person

-we also get ill enough to stay involved with
them. This alcoholic syndrome is not just about
drinking, it is about our own thinking and
behaviours that develop because of the
alcoholism in a family.

-it may take much time to realize that this
illness kept you hostage for many years.
Perhaps it would help to separate the man
from the illness. He may have been much
different if he was not afflicted with alcoholism.

-he may or may not recover. You have
a chance to leave the past and live today
as best you can. The hours wasted by anger
will just be giving away more of your life
to the past. I know it is hard to go on,
feeling like so much time has past.

-If you need to contact your ex for any reason
keep it short and civil. Refuse to be drawn into
any arguement of the past or into blaming.
It might be better to have the courts deal with
it unless you can settle it otherwise.

-He is sick and may be unreasonable, but that's
why fighting does no good.

-Do whatever you need to do for now, getting
sad, angry and bitter may be part of letting go.

-you will come to see that you have the power
of choice, you don't have to live like that anymore,
Keep striving to be free of anger and free of
other people having that power over you.