Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 1/3/2008

Question
First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to read this.

My fiancee's dear friend, G, is a functioning alcoholic and has been since she
was of drinking age (she's now 30). Her alcoholism isn't so extreme that she
can't hold down a job, but G stuggles to stay sober. Since she's been married
(about a year now), she'll go through a stretch of sobriety but then a social
event or occassion every three or four months will serve as the catalyst to
break down and binge drink. I don't know how or what her husband is doing
to handle this, nor am I aware of what treatment G seeks besides an
occassional visit to a psychiatrist, anti-depressants, and an occassional AA
meeting when she did something bad.

Here's what I need help with: Our wedding is in a few months and we asked
her to be a groomsmaid. We are worried that the stress of being apart of our
wedding will force her to drink and thus cause her to spin out of control. She
not only has a reputation for ruining weddings, she has lost friends over it
and we don't want to lose her as a friend. Also noteworthy to mention,
confronting her doesn't work. Her close friend D confronted her about her
drinking before D's wedding, but G went ahead and drank anyway and caused
a bit of a scene.  

I just don't know what to do since she refuses to seek serious treatment.
Confront her? How do we confront her? Don't confront her and hope she
doesn't drink? Tell her husband to confront her? Give her an ultimatum - it's
either us or the drink?

Any insight you could shed on this situation would be greatly appreciated.
The bottom line is we love her dearly and care for her health and well-being.

Thank you,
Jonas

Answer
Greetings to you, Jonas.  I believe I hear your heart, and you are welcome to my time.

You have written:

>> G is a functioning alcoholic ...
>> Her alcoholism isn't so extreme that she can't hold down a job, but G struggles to stay sober.

Being literal minded, I wonder whether that means “G” truly wants to stay sober and is desperately trying to do so but cannot or that other people struggle with the fact she drinks either as or whenever she does.  Either way, however, it is important for you and your wife-to-be and others to understand, and for “G” to eventually discover for herself (with or without a little help) something she might already at least suspect: She cannot presently fathom the idea of living without alcohol or something else to make her feel okay inside.  In other words, and for whatever importance to you this might be, “G” is a periodic drinker who is not likely to do any differently anytime soon:

“[Alcoholics] drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that, while they [might at least occasionally] admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.  To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.  They are restless, irritable and discontented [while sober], unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity.  After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the [physical] phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.  This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his [or her] recovery.” (William D. Silkworth, MD, in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book)

>> ... a social event or occasion every three or four months will serve as the catalyst to ... drink.

It could be she believes that is her best way of joining in on and/or adding to the day’s festivities, or maybe she “just needs a few” to even be there at all, and either of those or any of several other possibilities could be part of her personal justification for even wittingly pushing aside her actual “struggle to stay sober” you had first mentioned.

>> ... an occasional visit to a psychiatrist ...

Both “G” and the professional likely know some kind of “psychic change” is needed, but neither has any clue as to how that might ever actually be accomplished.  For your own general knowledge if you might ever get a future opportunity to share it, here is the answer to that:

“Faced with this problem, if a doctor is honest with himself, he must sometimes feel his own inadequacy.  Although he gives all that is in him, it often is not enough.  One feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change.  Though the aggregate of recoveries resulting from psychiatric effort is [today allegedly] considerable, we physicians must admit we have made little impression upon the problem as a whole.  Many [alcoholics] do not respond to the ordinary psychological approach ...
“I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through, and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.
“William D. Silkworth, M.D.”

>> ... anti-depressants ...

Medications can at times be helpful for reducing symptom discomfort, but something much greater is needed when actual healing is not coming about.

>> ... and an occasional AA meeting when she did something bad.

I assume you might be referring to court-ordered meetings in today’s AA, and very few folks there even understand the real alcoholic’s actual problem.  Hence, such meetings are no help and can even greatly confuse people like “G” more than they already are.

>> We are worried that the stress of being a part of our wedding will force her to drink and thus cause her to spin out of control.

Whether stressed or being festive, “G’s” drinking at your wedding is almost a given ... and then when the physical part of her alcoholism again kicks in, yes, she will again lose all control over how much she drinks.

>> ... we don't want to lose her as a friend.

I would suggest you find some way to have a very tactful and discreet friend serve as a “watchdog” present and standing at the ready to pull off a “Mission: Impossible” kind of thing to have “G” be unexpectedly or mysteriously whisked or called away just before she begins her usual.

>> ... confronting her doesn't work.

Respectfully said: At the right time in the right place, a certain type of confrontation ultimately can be helpful ...

“That the man [or woman] who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that s/he obviously knows what s/he is talking about, that his [or her] whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that s/he is [someone] with a real answer, that s/he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured - these are the conditions we have found most effective.  After such an approach many [eventually] take up their beds and walk again.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 18-19)

>> I just don't know what to do since she refuses to seek serious treatment.

If “G” is to ever actually seek “serious treatment”, that time will be preceded by her coming to fully understand the seriousness of her actual condition through the help of someone who has already recovered from the same.

>> Confront her? How do we confront her?

While patiently trying to win at least a little of her confidence by not saying much at all about either her or her drinking, you might first begin reading “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, to discover the answers to those kinds of questions.  And of course, I would gladly help you with that.

>> Don't confront her and hope she doesn't drink?

Again and at least for now: “G” simply *is* going to drink.

>> Tell her husband to confront her?

With personalities and character being major factors here, you might consider approaching your fellow husband with an offer to share with *him* some of the things you are now learning.  Beyond that, few men ever respond well to being told what to do in their own homes and/or in relation to their families.

>> Give her an ultimatum - it's either us or the drink?

She might possibly say “Okay”, then show up and nevertheless either intentionally or otherwise do what she does anyway.

>> Any insight you could shed on this situation would be greatly appreciated.

I hope I have done that at least a little, and please know you are welcomed to write again.

Blessings to you and your chosen life-mate in the days ahead.

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com