Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 1/28/2008

Question
My father has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember (I am 34)  my mom finally divorced him she got the house and he lives in a RV he stays about an hour from me.  He is the nicest man when he is sober, but is mean drunk.  He calls me and my mom when he is drinking and wants to argue and call names and so forth.  Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this?  Do I need to break our relationship?  I have two young children that love him to death, but my four year old hears me yelling at him on the phone.  I do not let him drink while he visits us, but he recently stayed for three months and I could smell the alcohol on him a couple times he knew I found out and would say sorry.  It is putting a strain on my marrage my husband wanted him out a while I ago, but I couldn't do it.  He just left yesterday and started with the phone calls last night.  He also has tried to commit suicide twice.  The first time he coded, but they saved him.  Okay, long enough ...any help would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi Sheri,
Your situation is so difficult to handle because of the conflict between what is correct behavior in response to an alcoholic and what feels right as a daughter who loves her father. The power of the disease of alcoholism is so great that the alcoholic will continue to drink unless he experiences pain and consequences from drinking that convince him he needs to stop and seek help, and unless those in relationship with him learn to help themselves and behave in ways that guide the alcoholic to consider seeking help. Persons who are in relationships with the alcoholic often inadvertently tend to enable the alcoholic by not directly addressing the drinking issues with the alcoholic, and by not allowing the natural consequences of his behavior to occur. For example, the appropriate response to the alcoholic who calls drunk may be to say that "I love you Dad, but I know you've been drinking; call me when you are sober", and to confront the alcoholic in a loving and supportive way with his abusive behavior, when he is sober. The correct approach, which is very difficult to do when you love someone, may be to consider telling your father that you love him too much to ignore his drinking problem, and that you, and your children, expect him to be sober and appropriate in his behavior to all of you. The idea is to reward the alcoholic for positive behaviors and tell him gently but clearly that being drunk and abusive will not be tolerated. Hopefully, over time the alcoholic will change his behaviors, ultimately by stopping drinking and getting sober.