Expert: Druideck - 1/14/2008

Question
I have written a couple of times before but always seem to have a lot of unanswered questions in my head.my husband has been walking in and out on me a few times the last year,I only gave him a chance as he said that he was going to get help with his drink problem.Like the last problem I read on your site I was brought up in a family where no one drank and knew nothing about it ,but through reading your site i have had my eyes opened.why is it one minute my husband brings presents then totally blanks the family the next.He also texts my 9 year old telling him he loves him then when he sees him tells him to f##k off.I am in the process now off divorcing him but last time he appeared on my doorstep(drunk i may add he dumped a lot of his stuff here and now i dont know what to do with it.Please help me for my childrens sake,my son is really being affected by all of this

Answer
Carol,

when a person is in the throes of active alcoholism
his behaviour is often most bizarre to those around him.
You have to think of him as a person driven to
protect his addiction to alcohol. This becomes
very confusing when he professes his undying love or affection and then suddenly his illness demands his attention.
There is a slow decent into anger, self-pity and
striking out at innocent others for your problems.
In my own experience I wanted to love my family
but did not have the resources or the power to
do that while drinking.
Often alcoholics forget their behaviour when drinking.
This is a psychological result of there defenses
in protecting the thing they need most, the drink.

You must take care of yourself and your child as
this is truly an illness that progressively gets
worse if not treated through a program of
recovery like counselling, detox, rehabs and
AA involvement.

You are not responsible to fix this guy, that
is something he will have to decide for himself.
He very likely has little ability to love anyone
right now in the real sense. Love is not holding
people hostage or making them suffer through
sick behaviour. Get a restraining order if need be,
but you have a choice to break or break free.
If you want to stay involved then be prepared
for his uncontrolled behaviour, it will not improve
until he decides to change his ways.
Give him the address and phone numbers of your local
alcohol help resources and AA.