Expert: Rebos - 1/25/2008

Question
Every evening I confront an angry irritable complaining boyfriend complaints are random and are about everything he seems only happy after his usual six-eight  pack and stumbles to bed at PM. Now I've tried education pleading threatening and confronting his response is honey I'm from Wisconsin everyone drinks there he's 53 and a heavy smoker also. He says he loves me,,, I'm so sad because I want to care for him but he's never going to get better. I don't see this will work he's never had treatment and refuses to quit he abstains once weekly. thank you for listening!

Answer
Good morning Claire and thank you for your question.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you allow your boyfriend to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying him his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him. He is belligerent towards you because he has a personality change when he drinks. An alcoholic will lie, cheat and even steal to protect their right to drink. You say that you love him… but to tell you the truth… he really can’t love you or anyone else, because his best friend and lover has become alcohol! All the threatening in the world will not convince him to stop drinking because he down deep is afraid to stop.

If you have read any of my previous answers the advice that I have given to others that have been in your position is to recommend Alanon meetings, that is, if you intend to remain in the relationship with an active alcoholic. As a matter of fact even if an alcoholic is in a recovery program like Alcoholics Anonymous I still recommend that the spouse or girlfriend attend Alanon meetings! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control. If in fact you think that you may be having a drinking problem I recommend that you go to AA whether or not your boyfriend ever goes.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through it. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your boyfriend (or you) on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until he gets “tired of being sick and tired” there is not very much that you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon or consider breaking-up with him. If your boyfriend does nothing to get help for his alcoholism then he is setting you up for a lifetime of unhappiness and misery. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, but (again) REMEMBER, NEVER MAKE ANY THREATS TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT 100% WILLING TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH!

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.