Expert: Clyde - 1/7/2008

Question
hi and happy new year to you. well i am writting about my ex husband. i left my ex about 3 years ago after being togather for 15 years due to his alcohoism. we have one child togather and he helped me raise my daughter since she was 3. i did not want to leave him but i could no longier let my children have to go through the hell my ex put us through becauce he would not stop the drinking. for two years after i left him i prayed that he would get him self togather so that we could be a family again but that never happened, he drank himself silly every day. a year ago he met a girl and two weeks later moved in with her. he says that he still drinks but doesnt get drunk any more like he use to. he informed me and the kids that jan 17 he is getting remarried after living with her for only a year. I have never stop loving him and this breaks my heart. I have a hard time understanding how he could stop getting drunk for her but not for his family. I still love him and the thoughts of him getting remarried haunt me. I`m tring to decide if i should tell him that i still love him and ask him not to get married or do i just leave things the way they are and try to go on. I`m watching the man that i love marry someone else and my heart is breaking. Please give me your thoughts on this!

Answer
Michele,
    Thank you for your story and for sharing so deeply the pain you feel having this impending marriage take place.

     Alcoholism is a truly devastating disease and it primarily destroys relationships, as you have experienced. Untreated alcoholism is very sad.  Your ex is suffering from just that - pure old unadulterated alcoholism.  I am sorry that you are being burdened with that fact.

      I can feel your pain and I know the depths of the sense of loss when one loves another with no love reciprocated.  He has not, and is not, capable of being present to this new person any more than he could be present to you.  Until  he is able to come clean with himself and become absolutely honest with himself he will never be able to be any different in any relationship.

       You set the boundaries for his behavior three years ago and he has not met any criteria to warrant a rethinking of those boundaries.  You were right then, as much as it may have hurt and as much as it continues to hurt.  He has not been willing to change.

       I know it will be difficult but my suggestion is to leave him alone, wish him well, pray for his future happiness, and above all, feel the grief through to the end - that means acceptance that you have a man whom you deeply love but who can not understand that sense of love.  In time the grief will be more bearable, taking it one day at a time.

       My prayer for you is that as you move into the grief more fully, your healing will be so deepened that when that special someone comes along in the days to follow you will be ready to give them the love that someone else has refused.

       I hope this helps and do not hesitate to write again if I can be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde