Expert: Druideck - 1/8/2008

Question
Hi, I come to you with an issue. I come from a background with an Alcoholic father and alcohlic ex-boyfriends and an ex-husband. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. He is the love of my life, a wonderful husband, kind, caring, and a great provider. When we first met, we were both (obviously) younger and we both drank daily - we- had nothing else to do, we had just gotten out of the military and was between jobs - partying if you will. Now, we have careers, a home and a beautiful daughter. Things couldn't look better from the outside. I drink on occassion and responsibly maybe once every couple of weeks or I may have an occasional glass of Merlot when I get home, but I can't get him to stop drinking. We can seldom keep liquor in the house whenever we have some because he will drink it. It doesn't matter what it is...I can buy some wine just to keep in the fridge, and if it is in the fridge it will be gone when I get home. He can easily drink a 12 pack+ in a night. He will stop and be sober for a few days and say how great he feels but then like Saturday, he gets up and first thing in the morning he has a beer. Then it is all day long...beer, beer. If he has beer, he won't bother the liquor or wine, but if when that runs out, he goes straight for whatever is available. He will drink until it's gone. Now, we are arguing constantly - or more often then not. I can't stand it anymore!
Sometimes we only have say 50.00 in the bank until payday..I will tell him to not touch the money - just in case something arises and I know we don't need anything during the day and he will still go straight to Chevron after work and spend each day for one or two 40oz (or three 22oz) and a pack of black and milds. He doesn't care if I say we have 3.00, he will go spend 2.99 at the Chevron. I just don't know what to do. This is not what I want, but he is my best friend and I love him but I am so frustrated and angry with him. It has came down to every time we argue it has been about drinking and him taking money out of the bank to buy drink with no regard for us. I told him this morning that I will send him a spreadsheet of the bills broken down and I will give him money out of the account if he stays out of it. I just don't know what to do....I am at a loss. I know that I spazz out and trip on him when I read on the AA site that he is sick and I should handle myself differently. I never wanted this for my marriage. I grew out of it, why can't he? All day he can drink beer. Beer bottles all over the house.
He got a DUI in March 2007 and that has been quite expensive for us. The 1500.00 for the lawyer, fines, fees, bond, and counseling because of a stupid choice! He had a period when he didn't have the conditional license yet for a few days around Thanksgiving and I found out that he drove to the Chevron with our daughter. He couldn't work because of the no license so he stayed home with our daughter during fall break. He went to the store-about two miles from the house without a license and without a care of our child in the car. My daughter told me that they went to the store twice. So he came home and drank beer and then went back out to the store again - no license, DUI suspension, and with our daughter while I was at work. All of a sudden, he has no regard for consequences. Okay, I am going to be honest, this is his second DUI. His first was right before we met- he was 22 then and was in the car with some friends and had a bad accident coming out of a tunnel in Virginia. I couldn't say anything becuase when you are in the military you tend to drink more, I did the same thing. When we moved to GA, his troubles in VA did not follow him and basically he got out of trouble for 'free' - this was due to a error with his license #. Well, it some of the first incident caught up when he went to court and they gave him the paperwork for the work license, he found he couldn't get it becuase he owed a fine to VA in the amount of 1300.00 for the accident. We had to come up with that quickly becuase he is in a position that he needs to drive extensively. No license means he doesn't get a check as a consultant. I always thought, didn't you learn that once? When I bonded him out in March I thought he would have learned - he said he did. Since, we have had two physical fights - both times, he has been drinking liquor heavily - we don't fight. I find that if I want something after work or to keep something I have to hide it. I don't want to live like this.
Today, I went completely off on him before work. I got to work and I saw that out of a 35.00 balance yesterday he spent 9.00 at Chevron - now we are not talking (again). I can't believe it - I can't believe he is doing this.  
What should I do????

Answer
Liza,

this man is fighting physically with you,
irresponsible and endangering his career,
his family and his own health.
This is a spiral downward that you can't
deny.
No amount of fighting, lecturing, or threatening
stops active alcoholism. Also there is no
amount of love or caring that will work either.
It is like a behavioral illness that needs
his cooperation and a treatment plan to
attain any lasting recovery.
Get an alcohol counseller that does interventions
or kiss everything goodbye, those are the
harsh ends to a devastating problem.
If he continues he may be killed in a drunk accident
or lose his job and his health.
Don't bother fighting an illness, you need
to care for yourself and your kids future.
I know it all sounds heartless right now,
but I've been there and lost my wife and family.
It has taken 22 years of decent living to
gain trust and love back.