Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 1/11/2008

Question
I am lost right now.  My husband is an alcoholic.  I grew up with alcoholics, so it is only natural that I married one as well I guess.  I knew he was probably an alcohic when we first got together as I found hidden bottles, but I thought it was because of his recent divorce.  We started dating and got engaged after two months... he wasn't even divorced yet... In retrospect this was not a smart decision on my part, but I can't regret it.  We've been together for 15 years now, and only about one year ago, my eyes were opened and I decided that I can't stand it anymore.  He generally gets beligerent when he drinks too much, has unrealistic expectations of perfection regarding our son's homework and schoolwork, but it's VERY hard to tell if he's drunk and know if it's him or the booze talking. He hides being drunk very well.  He also hides vodka in the garage, in his truck (so I suppose he drinks during the day at work), in the garage and who knows where else.  He has consistently lied about quitting drinking and makes a big deal about how many days he's not had a drink, but then I found his stash and called him on it.  Since the last time this has happened he says he won't lie to me anymore and won't hide the vodka.  So, I guess this means that I cannot get angry anymore because he's not lying about his drinking.  He starts first thing in the morning, and keeps drinking until night.  He's also recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and occassionally takes his medications.  He lays in bed all morning until he has to go to work, which is at about noon and seems incredibly depressed.  He says he loves me and our son more than anything in the world and is never physically abusive, but I don't trust him anymore with anything he says.  I feel resentful that I am the one that has to go to meetings to deal with his drinking.  At this point, he has pretty much killed the love between us.  I am ready to leave him, but it's a hard decision to make with a child involved.  It's also hard to determine what is normal when you've been making excuses to yourself for so long.  I can't get him to stop drinking, I know that.  And I don't even know what my question is except that maybe you can provide some insight into the mind of a man who is an alcoholic and a husband and otherwise a fairly decent man.  I can't keep crying and wondering what's going on in his head and I just feel lost and would rather be alone than have to deal with this.  Thanks - any advice or insight is appreciated.  Julie

Answer
Greetings to you, Julie.

You have written:

>> It's ... hard to determine what is normal when you've been making excuses to yourself for so long.

Please bear with me for a few moments and I will get to your question ...

Have you ever wondered why we make those excuses?  First, many of us (including your husband) had never been taught a right-and-proper version of "normal" or what is actually best in the first place, yet our personal needs and instincts must be satisfied in order for us to feel secure, loved, happy and so on.  So, we wittingly or unwittingly accept what merely "feels good" or "sounds right" rather than to risk a lifetime of instinct-frustration and emptiness.  Living in spiritual ignorance or even deception, we have bought into the so-called "Great American Dream" that turns out to be a nightmare.  Said simply: We have been hoping cheap trinkets might satisfactorily take the places of heavenly treasures.  Few people ever do that intentionally, of course, but that is nevertheless what we have done.

So then, what is actually best for anyone?  What must we do instead?

Ultimately, that begins here:

Deuteronomy 5:32-33: "And you shall guard to do as Yahuah your Elohim has commanded you - do not turn aside, to the right or to the left.  Walk in all the way which Yahuah your Elohim has commanded you, so that you live and it be well with you. And you shall prolong your days in the land which you possess."

In other words: The One who created us has already prepared His own and right path for each of us, and the very best we might ever receive in life can only be found along and at the end of that path.  And to get there, we have this from a prayer in "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 63:

"Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power [to deliver], Thy Love [in provision], and Thy Way of life [in right fellowship and worship]."

Personally, I like to call that "The Sinai Experience" (permanent recovery) replacing "The Great American Nightmare" (my past alcoholism).

You have written:

>> maybe you can provide some insight into the mind of a man who is an alcoholic and a husband and otherwise a fairly decent man.

Like all of us, he wants to be "happy, joyous and free" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 133).  So, he does things he believes either will, can or might actually bring that about.  Deep within him, however, a deadly combination of human ego, fear, pride and ignorance made even worse by the effects of alcohol block him off from the blessings both given and received through Torah (right) living.  The "fairly decent" behaviours you occasionally see are the results of normal instinctual pursuits, yet his underlying selfishness and self-centeredness keep them from ever being long-lasting or truly fulfilling for anyone:

"Selfishness - self-centeredness!  That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate [or finally say 'Enough!' and leave].  Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.  They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so ..." (page 62)

"An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can.  If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt.  But no so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life.  It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's.  It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.
"We hope this volume will inform and comfort those who are, or who may be affected.  There are many." (page 18)

When does all of this ever end?

Pain is the touchstone of reality, and it is pain that can ultimately drive an alcoholic to have a desire to stop drinking ... and then we can proceed from there.

To get an idea as to where your husband might presently be along that line, you might consider reading what is written in "To Wives" in "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book.  You can find that book here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Here is an excerpt from its chapter "To Wives":

"If you have a number three husband, you may be in luck.  Being certain he wants to stop, you can go to him with this volume as joyfully as though you had struck oil.  He may not share your enthusiasm, but he is practically sure to read the book and he may go for the program at once.  If he does not, you will probably not have long to wait.  Again, you should not crowd him.  Let him decide for himself.  Cheerfully see him through more sprees.  Talk about his condition or this book only when he raises the issue.  In some cases it may be better to let someone outside the family present the book.  They can urge action without arousing hostility.  If your husband is otherwise a normal individual, your chances are good at this stage." (page 113)

Please know you are welcomed to write as often and as much as you might like.

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com