Expert: Rebos - 1/3/2008

Question
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, and while I
always knew he was over 21 and had his fun with drinking, I never thought it
was all that bad because I didnt see him every night and I guess I never had
to deal with it every night. But recently, due to a lot of unfortunate events in
his life happening at once, hes been living with me in my apartment for the
past few months, and its become clear to me he has a problem. I know his
mom has tried confronting him about it several times to hear him just scoff it
off (She's a smoker so therefore he feels she has no right to lecture him...
even though he'sa smoker, too?...) so I figured maybe if I tried to work with
him as a constant, he'd be more compliant. However, every time I try to ask
him to cut back or recommend other activities to do, he just gets angry with
me and says because I drink on occasion and he's had to deal with me after
one or two not-ending-well drinking college parties, I have no right to accuse
him, either. I've even at this point threatened to break up with him if he didn't
get a hold on himself, btu eventually he always broke down with (Empty)
promises saying he'd quit, and I always caved in, thinking that me breaking
up with him probably wouldn't cause him to drink any less!! I've told him it
doesnt have to be no drinking whatsoever anymore, if he could just have a
drink or two and thats it every night, fine, but he has to have anywhere from 4
to 8 it seems... and lately I just hate dealing with his incoherence at night and
cleaning up after him since he suddenly has to eat and trips over himself and
spills everything.. and most of all, i hate going to bed angry, but what am I
going to do, argue with him while he's drunk? At this point I'm especially
angry because he seems to think of nothing but himself and his precious
alcohol, while i'm a working college student who needs someone who won't
keep me up at night jabbering on about nonsense.

Ok. I know that sounds really angry. But the reason I haven't left him entirely
is because during the day hes perfect, hes my best friend, thats why i've tried
to take it easy with him, but nothing seems to be connecting and i just dont
know what to do. Please help me help him.

Answer
Good afternoon Shannon and thank you for your question. If your boyfriend is really your best friend you have to ask your self, “What are you willing to do to save your best friend’s life”? If your answer is, “Anything”, then you will stop being an “enabler” and help to “raise his bottom” whether or not he ends up breaking off his relationship with you! That’s what friends do… especially when it may be a matter of life and death! You should NEVER make any threats to him that you are not 100% willing to follow through with. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help… the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.


If your boyfriend is not going to a program like Alcoholics Anonymous then your boyfriend saying that he will stop drinking on his own is not worth anything, because he is not facing up to the root cause of his drinking problem. Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. AA is a place where he will find the answer to his drinking problem. Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… just drinking at night… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs).

Until your boyfriend “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him except to stop being an enabler. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, (and may even admit that they are alcoholics) but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Even putting them away against their will, will not get them to stop doing what they have not made up their own minds to do. Don't think that your boyfriend does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I personally have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. Unfortunately you being an enabler have made threats to him that you back off on.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you allow him to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying him his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him. He is belligerent towards his mother and you because she smokes and you drink (and maybe have a problem yourself? If not just stop drinking and remove that excuse for him to point at). An alcoholic will lie, cheat and even steal to protect their right to drink.

If you have read any of my previous answers the advice that I have given to others that have been in your position is to recommend Alanon meetings, that is, if you intend to remain in the relationship with an active alcoholic. As a matter of fact even if an alcoholic is in a recovery program like Alcoholics Anonymous I still recommend that the spouse or girlfriend attend Alanon meetings! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control. If in fact you think that you may be having a drinking problem I recommend that you go to AA whether or not your boyfriend ever goes.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through it. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your boyfriend (or you) on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until he gets “tired of being sick and tired” there is not very much that you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon or consider breaking-up with him. If your boyfriend does nothing to get help for his alcoholism then he is setting you up for a lifetime of unhappiness and misery. If you intend to have any children with him the odds are that your children will be greatly affected by a father who is a drunk. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, but (again) REMEMBER, NEVER MAKE ANY THREATS TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT 100% WILLING TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH!

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.