AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 28 years and am in recovery myself for 30 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Expert: Jan Edward Williams Date: 1/27/2008 Subject: recovering alcoholic in new relationship
Question QUESTION: My boyfriend has been sober for 17 months. I did not know him when he was drinking. He is an amazing man. He was married 2 times while he was drinking. He went thru the 2nd divorce while getting sober. We've been dating for 3 months and now he says he's scared because he is actually feeling his feelings for the first time. He said he was always numb due to drinking. Now, he's scared and does not know if he's ready for a serious relationship. This would be his 1st since being sober. He says he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone but is missing something within himself. He's not wanting to drink But, he said he needs to read his Big Book again to help him figure out what's wrong with him.
Is this common for recovering alcoholics? He doesn't want to "need" anyone b/c he said he "needed" people when he was drunk. He wants to make it on his own.
Is there anything I can do to help him and save our wonderful relationship? Do you think this even has anything to do with the alcoholism?
ANSWER: Hello Carly,
Yes, fear of intimacy and confusion about feelings are common in recovering alcoholics. It sounds as if you both love each other. I suggest being patient with him as he tries to work through his issues. I think he may need some help figuring out what a healthy relationship is. He may not find that answer in the AA Big Book. For example in a healthy relationship neither person is needy in a codependent way, but allows the other to grow and be his/her own person.
Have you tried attending Al-Anon meetings (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html)? These meetings may help you to learn about alcoholism and how you can take care of yourself while being a loving support for your boyfriend. Good luck.
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QUESTION: Thanks for your help. How do you suggest I get through to him and show him what a healthy relationship is without pressuring him? Also, does he have a codependent relationship with his mother. She has taken on the role that his ex-wife should've had. She handles his bills, helps with his children and helps make decisions for him still. How can he stand on his own feet if he leans so hard on her? What's the difference between me being there while he "deals with this issue" and her being there?
Answer Hello again counseling.
This is the type of question I deal with all the time in my addictions counseling practice online. The answer to all the questions you ask here is a spiritual one that should appeal to your boyfriend because it fits into his recovery using AA and the Big Book. Your boyfriend should focus on enhancing his relationship with God, his Higher Power, or other source of spiritual strength. If he learns to depend chiefly on God for the strength he needs to face life's realities without picking up a drink, he will become less likely to be dependent on his mother, and hopefully, less fearful of an intimate relationship with you. I suggest you have an honest discussion with him about your concerns and include the advice I present in this answer. Remember to be patient; progress in learning to be a partner in a mature intimate relationship does not happen all at once. You both will have to work hard over a long period of time on the relationship, but it's worth it! Good luck and God bless both you and your boyfriend. Jan Williams
