Expert: Clyde - 10/15/2008

Question
I am so lost..I think. About 4 months ago I received a phone call from my x-"recovering" alcoholic boyfriend. He had began drinking again. He had been sober for 15 months and in that time he broke off our relationship and had no communication with me. I was happy/sad when he called drunk. The feelings I had came back. Recently he has been calling me when he is drunk. When I finally went to see him we had sex and he told me that we should get back together. I did not belive him since I knew the beer was doing the talking for him. Then, this past weekend I spent some time with him and he decided that he would confess all the bad things he did while we were together. (we were together for 4 years and have been apart for a little over a year). I was angry and hurt when he told me his confessions. I was also angry because he began to tell me about the females that he is currently dating and how he takes them out to dinners....while we were together he never worked. He lived off of me, had no car nothing. Now he pays rent and lives with a roommate has a great job and a nice car. I know that I should not contact this man and not speak to him when he contacts me but why me? Why does he call me during the weekend when he's been drinking? During the week I call him and ask him to hang out he never picks his phone up or always has some excuse. I attend al-anon, co-dependents and he tells me not to go to meetings because they don't work. I feel that they don't work. He also told me that he never relapsed that he just drank again. he said that he only went to rehab because he wanted to stop drinking for a while and that he knew was going to drink again. I am addicted to this man and I don't' know how to stop. He's made it clear to me that we will never be back together but I can't understand why he still contacts me. Please help me alcohol effected my life and I was not the one drinking.

Answer
Lena,
    Thank you for your question and sharing the story about how all this has come about.

    Your story is not unique, it happens to many, many men and women so you are not alone.  You also know from your Alanon that the three C's apply to HIS drinking - you can not control it, you did not cause it, and you can not cure it.  All you can do is work your own program of recovery.

    Your sharing has already spoken the truth that you have not been willing to acknowledge - you have an addiction to relationships and he "knows" this.  I say "knows" not in a intellectual sense but in a sensing of your response to his demands and his needs.  Your need for relationship feeds into his need for having his selfish needs met.  I think it is just that simple.  He will continue to call as long as he senses that you are a willing partner in the game.

    Stop the game.  That is in essence what it will require.  And in stopping the game it means your being willing to do something different in your life.  I can suggest the way to do this is to secure a copy of a book entitled "Leaving the Enchanted Forest" by Stephanie Covington and read it with an open mind to really be honest with yourself about your own "defects of character", these being your neediness and the possible reasons why it is so prevalent in your life.  Don't think of this book as one of those "self-help" books but as the door to a bright relationship future for you.

    There is so much more that could be said but I want to get this to you as soon as possible so you'll be able to consider getting the book.

    I hope this helps and write again any time.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde