Expert: Druideck - 10/29/2008

Question
My dad has been an Alcoholic since before i was, and i never really noticed how bad it was until he came back from Afghanistan for a couple of weeks that i realized how bad it was. He had been rationed down to two beers a month when he was in Afghanistan and had lost a lot of weight i thought things would be a lot better but they weren't. While he was back he would get into a routine he would pick us up from school go to the post office, and then to the beer store where he would either buy a 6 pack or a 12 pack and about every three days he would also buy a big bottle of rum. by 5:00 PM he was yelling just about all the time. i started counting down the days until he left it sounds terrible but that was how bad it was. i was trying to do everything and be everything that he wanted i thought that that might help but no matter how hard i try nothing i do is good enough for him. is it my fault that he is still drinking?

Answer
Marie,

of course his drinking is not your fault
it is a problem he has developed over
time. Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol
and use it because they can't stop
on their own power. If he is ever to
recover it must be his desire and choice
to get treatment and counselling
for his illness.

Living with an active alcoholic
affects the people around him.
Families can develop many bad
feelings and thoughts in response
to the alcoholics behaviour.

You may feel angry, resentful,
guilty, shamed or just hide
your feelings by being helpful
and cheerful even when you don't
feel happy.

You can not help an alcoholic by
allowing them to treat you badly.
You have to see that you are valuable
and deserve good treatment even
if it feels more normal to be
involved with troubled people.
Being a family member doesn't
give anyone the right to be emotionally abusive.

Your dad has an addictive illness that
only he can do something about.
He may or may not choose to quit drinking
but it is important for you to get
information about adult children of alcoholics
or attend Alanon meetings to get a better
understanding of how his drinking has
affected you through the years.
Many feelings you are having are related
to living around an alcoholic.

You most definitely are not responsible
for his problem drinking or for
his behaviours. He is just a man that
is still in denial of his alcoholism.

Be sure you don't minimize your own
feelings, start seeking recovery
for yourself. There are many good
books on co-dependence and Adult children
of Alcoholics has groups in some parts
of the country. Learning to let go
and starting to heal your own emotions is worth
the trouble even if your dad does not.