Expert: Druideck - 10/7/2008

Question
My girlfriend has a problem with being able to stop drinking before she becomes belligerent and at times will
black out and become violent and recently gave me a black eye and hit my roomate. I have tried to work it out with her but I can't deal with her abuse any more but don't want to give up on her because she is the most wonderful person when she is not drunk. She blames my childhood and abusive father for my feelings and can't see she is causing the situation. I just don't know what to do anymore or how to help her?

Answer
Good day Nathan,

Relationships can be strained by alcohol abuse
and it's resulting behaviours.

Often we do become involved with
people that simulate our early
relationships at home.

The reason for this is that we subconsciouly
wish to resolve the problems of old.
Also it sometimes feels more like
normal to us even though we are in a bad
situation.

If your girlfriend is an alcoholic
her behaviour will probably get
worse as it is a progressive illness.

No one can make someone else stop
drinking or behave as they wish.
These are personal choices that
they alone can make.
If you continue trying to get
her to change she will
only rebel and blame you for
the problems.

Often drinkers are in strong denial
of the problems drinking has on their
life. Making a crack in this denial
is very difficult.

Sometimes the best influence to change is
to experience the consequences of
ones choices.
Often people protect the drinker
from consquences and this prolongs
their drinking and their choosing
recovery.

Sometimes getting someone to see their
problems only comes when you let
go and let things happen as they will.

You can take care of yourself and
refuse to accept abuse from anyone.
If you continue to accept abuse
she will respect you less and
the abuse may increase.

Ask yourself how long will I stay
if she does not change and/or
if things get worse?

Some people have to go to extremes before
they will quit drinking or seek help
seriously, it sounds like she is not
ready to admit that drinking is a problem
for her.

If she wants to drink I suggest
weighing if the good times outway
the bad. We can ultimitely only
change ourself and avoid abusive
people if we want peaceful relationships.

If you heal the anger within yourself
from your early abuse you will
be attracted to less angry girls.
Treat yourself gently and let
that be the kind of behaviour you
expect from your friends.