Expert: Rebos - 10/17/2008

Question
Hi, I am 38 years old and finding myself increasingly worried about my 65-year old mother. She has been an alcoholic since I was a teenager. She would drink and beat my sister. she only hit me once - and it wasn't until she did that I realised she had a problem and that what my sister was saying was true.

My life is considerably easier without my mother around and yet foolishly I keep trying to re-engage and keep exposing myself to her venomous comments. She gets drunk - says nasty things to me but in the morning she's forgotten and I'm still fuming. Then she thinks my behaviour is unreasonable. She's not talking to me at the moment! The revelation is how much easier this makes my life.
I've decided to dis-engage...no more family holidays and avoiding situations where she can hurt my feelings or worse say something that will upset my children.

However having said that I also don't feel I can watch her drink herself to death.  My sister knows she's drinking almost 2 bottles of wine a day and vodka on top but she doesn't think this is damaging her health. She also refuses to believe that her brain is affected, yet she nearly killed by children when she was driving and regularly leaves taps on, leaves the cooker on, repeats herself etc.

Neither my father or my sister want to confront my mother. For some reason the status quo suits them better. My father barely talks to my mother (and vice versa) although they live in the same house. In effect he's decided to dis-engage like me.

I don't think I can live with myself if I don't make one last attempt to help my mother but I also know it's going to be very tough if the rest of my family keep avoiding the situation. I've thought of writing to my mother and telling her honestly that her behaviour upsets me and even though I know it's the alcohol, it's too hurtful and I no longer want to expose myself to it. She has also chosen to say inappropriate things in front of my children and I feel I must protect them.  However if she ever feels she is ready to address her alcohol problem then I will be there for her and support her all the way.

I suspect this will be catastrophic for our relationship but as we don't have a relationship at the moment I don't see that I have anything to lose.

what would you advise?


Answer
Good afternoon RL and thank you for your question.

I strongly recommend that you start to attend Alanon meetings! You may not be able to do anything about your mother’s drinking problem but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help her by first learning to help yourself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is where you will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Al-Anon regularly, and work on your self… you will get better. That’s not to say that your mother will get better because you go to Al-Anon, but you will learn how to detach from her illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Al-Anon a chance to work for you. It may be possible for you to learn how to raise your mother’s drinking “bottom”, but if not, at least you will never become an enabler… you will learn how to live in peace with yourself and the family that you have. You must do everything that you can to protect your children from the influence that your mother’s drinking may cause them. Al-Anon is where you will get all of your questions answered. I am sure that you would never let your mother mind your children unsupervised or even after she “had” been drinking. Your father and sister should also be going to Al-Anon.

If I can be of further help please do not hesitate to send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos