Expert: Amarnath.B - 10/7/2008

Question
Hi Amarnath.... I have,or should I say had, a roommate that turned into more of a partner relationship.  Soon after he moved in in noticed he drank quite a bit more then he had lead me to believe.  Things progressively got worse with him drinking on the weekends non-stop from Friday evening until Sunday.  He never really became abusive, which I am used to from 1 17yr abusive marriage, but he became so drunk where he would fall over, urinate on himself, furniture, etc.  I tried to see the man he was when not drinking, but the more these things kept happening the more I saw him in a different light.  It got to the point where I had to ask him that I didn't want him drinking in the house...if he was going to get like that he needed to just not come here.  He continually defied what I asked, started calling me a dictator, bitch, etc....2 weekends ago he came home and as gross as it sounds had defecated all over himself and had actually taken the bus home like that.  He again got that drunk this weekend so when he tried to get in the house I just didn't unlock the door....I couldn't stand to see him like that anymore, plus he had gone against everything I asked as if I had no feelings.  He left that am without a word, and I have not heard a thing from him.  I called and left a message for him to at least let me know he's ok and he won't respond.  This is a man who told me he loved me.  I am hurting so bad inside.  I can't understand how he can just shun me after I thought we had something together.  Is it anger, or could he have played a game this whole time that he had feelings just for a place to stay.  He had nothing when he moved in....I don't own my home, but I have furniture, stereo, etc.  I can't let go....I love him....do I wait for him to call or do I try to stay in contact.  Or is that enabling?  I'm so confused.  The thing is he is one of the most tenderest people I have ever been with, and I can't imagine him just forgetting me as if I was nothing.

Answer
Hello Donna,

Greetings to you. Bye all accounts your partner is an alcoholic and needs help.  Alcoholism is a disease and cannot be cured, it can only be arrested by staying stop.  Your partner should seek help either by getting himself rehabilitated or getting in touch with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). But, I'm not sure if he has the desire to stop drinking or at what stage of alcoholism is he in?

Consider yourself lucky that he left you at this stage where you're not yet seriously involved with him (I suppose so) or you would've have been caught in the loop and become a co-dependent.  You've also mentioned about your abusive past.  Please don't make another mistake of getting back into a similar kind of relationship.  Of course, it is your duty to help him seek help.  You can always do it from the outside without directly getting involved.  Otherwise, yes you'll be enabling him.  

Majority of alcoholics are beautiful people when they're not under the influence.  I know it is very difficult for you to detach yourself emotionally.  But consider this Donna, you've a life to live and you've to move on.  You cannot jump from one bad relationship into another.

Like I said earlier, try and help him come out of his problem.  You needn't wait for him or get involved emotionally again.  Now there is nothing to be confused about.  Move on Donna.  If he contacts you tell him about the ills of alcoholism.  It will not only destroy him but also destroy others around him.

Mail me back if you're still confused and if there's anything else you would like to ask about helping your partner.

God bless


Amarnath