Expert: Clyde - 10/15/2008

Question
For the past 15 months I have been dating a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for over eight years. He was honest about his background early on in the relationship. I have tried to be supportive, and have attended a few AA meetings with him. We have been discussing marriage, and currently we are enrolled in a marriage preparation class at our church. This man has many wonderful qualities: generous, trustworthy, respectful, and affectionate, to name a few. He treats me very well, and loves me unconditionally.
Here is the problem. Sometimes he can be emotionally immature and impulsive. It's as if his emotional growth was stunted around age 10. There seem to be "holes" in his background, as if he lived in a bubble. Is it possible that his 19 years of excessive drinking has wiped out a large part of his life? I am very hesitant to marry someone who resorts to child-like pouting. Other people have noticed it, too, so I am especially cautious.
Any advice will be appreciated.

Answer
Laurel,
    Thank you for your question and for sharing something about the situation.  You are experiencing the psychological "Obstacles" that can come up in a recovering person's program.  It is my opinion (not an AA position) that a drinker who has a long history of drinking (particularly beginning at a young age) will have their emotional development and maturity stunted.  Recovery begins the processes again but it is imperative that the person realize that this has happened and accept that some tough work is in store for them if they want to be all that God wants them to be.

    That being said, it will be his decision whether this work is ever initiated and continued.  I do not think we should ever say it is completed because I am a believer that I am a "work in progress" under the guiding love of God.  I seek to follow where He leads me so I am always learning something new.  We say in AA it is "spiritual progress not spiritual perfection" we are seeking.

    I also do not believe that this is something that someone can push another into doing.  I do not necessarily believe that you will be able to cause this person to look deeper at this and decide that he can do something about improving it.  My experience is that this is not possible.

    Now, all that said, it is my opinion that God wants me to be in relationship with people of His choosing, not mine.  I am to love the person unconditionally, not their behaviors, as bad or as good as they may be.  If I make a commitment to marry someone then I am in hopes that I have done the soul searching and listened for the guidance of God in making that decision.  Once done, it is up to me to accept the person as they are, not what they can and might become.  Who knows when that person may be lead to understand that some significant things must change in themselves (the childish pouting, etc.)

   I hope that this helped shed some light on what could be happening here in your case.

Grace and Peace
Clyde