Expert: Druideck - 10/10/2008

Question
I have emailed Rebos a few times, but I see he is on vacation. In summary, I noticed a big change in my husband's disposition over 3 years ago & in the way he was treating me. At first, I thought maybe stress from work, but it wasn't & I began to investigate. I discovered he was drinking a large amount of beer on a daily basis; average of 4-6 a night & sometimes 10-12 on a Friday. It has been addressed several times & he has denied it. Naturally, I've become addicted to counting cans, going thru garbage, looking for hidden beer, etc.  After my efforts, I feel he is drinking too much & he is not the same man I married. I've been blamed because of outings with friends (for the first time in 20 years of marriage I started to accept invitations to go out), phone calls he said he was getting at work & at home (always when I wasn't home), and he accused me of having an affair.  To make a long story short, after many "discussions" with him & episodes I finally got fed up w/his question "What the Hell is wrong w/you," & decided to see a counselor. I have seen her 4 times now & I got the validation I needed, but I feel so lost. I'm angry, resentful, confused, extremely hurt and I just want to avoid him anymore.  I don't even want to talk to him anymore.  He did agree to see a marriage counselor & we have an appt tomorrow. I'm a wreck.  I've been keeping notes so I can be prepared for whatever happens, but I need some suggestions as to how to maintain my cool without getting angry or emotional.  I'm tired of crying, feeling anxious & stressed, and mostly disregarded.

Answer
Debbie,

Alcoholism is an illness of denial,
this denial affects the drinker
and everyone around him.

It is part of the downward spiral
for a drinker to accuse his spouse
of having affairs etc because
of his paranoia.

He is afraid of losing you and
the problem is likely that he
doesn't like or trust himself
subconsciously at least. He is projecting
his fears outwardly and blames you.

Alcoholics are often accused of
taking hostages rather than
having relationships.

The alcoholics behaviour functions
best in a closed system or
a system that excludes outsiders
that may threaten his drinking
and those that are involved with him.

It can be very stressful trying to
fix a relationship like this as
you can not fix the man or control
his addiction to alcohol.

You can also not control his
behaviour, not with anger, or
kindness, not with making deals
or conscessions.

He will drink, not because he doesn't
like you but because he has a serious
problem. To maintain your cool
just remember this is his problem
not yours to fix.
You are not responsible for him or
his problem.

You did not cause his problem it is
an illness that affects millions
of people.
You must give up any old ideas
you have about helping and about
love curing all.

Addictions are stronger than the
love people have for each other.
Alcoholics will not stop drinking
for someone else it only comes
after serious consequences drive them
to their knees.
Losing you may be one of the consequences
he needs to look at his drinking and
seek help. Making a crack in denial
is very hard.

You have to detach from reacting to
everything the man says, he is ill.
Old ideas about marriage and loyalty
have to be let go in the face of alcoholism.
Take extremely good care of yourself
and don't let him get away with grinding
you down until you no longer value yourself.
If he wants to continue this way, it
doesn't mean you have to go down with him.
He may find good in himself again but
it will take years of recovery to change
and he will never be the man he was
either way.
I have been there and my wife left me which
saved my life thankfully, I was forced to
choose sobriety or insanity, I chose life.