Expert: Druideck - 10/6/2008

Question
I have been married to my husband for 6 years.When we married, he was finishing his AA program.He was in for 6 months, 3 were mandatory, the other 3 were optional and he chose to stay.He stayed sober for 5 years.During this last year, I began to suspect relapse.I would find bottles he said were friends.Finally one night found the 12 pack in his truck.When I confronted him he denied it of course, got mad because of my accusations.I knew he was lieing, but my concern was that he didn't feel open with me, we are best friends.I told him I trust him, and if he chose to, okay as long as he controlled it.He never admitted to the 12 pack being his but he did open up to me and stopped hiding his drinking.His father, a recovered alcoholic, and his mom who was strongly involved in Al-Anon have said before they never believed him to be a true-alcoholic but in a very hard time in his life.He had lost his very sick sister when she was 17 and dealt with a lot of guilt, pain and anger.It was 2 years after her death that he entered AA.I am trying to be very open minded and trusting to his desire to drink again.He doesn't get out of hand, angry or anything.On the weekends he does drink to a higher point, and I am a designated driver for him so he can go play poker and drink with his friends.He has not worried me and his drinking has not bothered me.But we have not told any family because they will all be adamant for him to get a sponsor and get clean and there have been a few occasions of him getting to a very belligerent drunk.The last time was this weekend and we talked after, I told him that it is beginning to concern me and he has said he will work on it.I'm struggling with myself on what to do, part of me thinks maybe I should advise his family, but the other part of me does not want to.I want to trust my husband and let him do this.He is a hard-working, excellent father and good husband.I feel strange to make a big deal of something that doesn't seem to be a big deal.Can someone who had a problem at one point learn to control it?

Answer
Good day Amanda,

I hear you saying your husbands
drinking doesn't bother you and
then again that it does. If you
are writing to me I assume you
must be concerned.

You can not help him to quit
by making it easy for him
to continue drinking.
This is called "enabling"
and is part of the problem
that develops in someone living
with an alcoholic.
It sounds like you are both in some
denial that alcoholism is a deadly
illness and it is progressive
which means it will get worse
and his behaviour and mental
condition will gradually
deteriorate.
If he has been to AA there
is little chance he is a normal
drinker. This is a strong warning
sign.
All that being said you can not stop
him from drinking if he
is an alcoholic. He is addicted
to alcohol.
He cannot stop without help.
What you can do is get help
for your behaviours through Alanon.
The desire to stop drinking
has to be his and he has to decide
how he wants to live, drunk or sober.
Once you become honest and learn how
lying and denial and hiding drinks
and having you do things to make it
easier for him to be a drinker works
then you can get help first for yourself
and possibly later for him if he desires it.
Do not be fooled by the power of alcohol
it can fool both of you to death it has
happened to many people.
The denial is part of the illness,
probably the only illness that fools
people into continuing to drink
themselves into much pain and trouble.