Expert: Clyde - 10/31/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi, my husbaqnd frequently drinks a 2 litre cask of port on the weekends it will generally last him 2 days + 4-6 cans of beer/or 3 supersized cans of Burbon and wisky.  I find his behaviour goes from being tipsy and charming (which is not to bad I could handle this) but when all of a suddern his behaviour like a switch turns from charming to down right rude/arrogant/one of chovisium,pigheaded and he becomes groggy and unsure of what he is saying/unreasonable.  Generally this happens on a friday night or saturday when I am trying to give him a hand at cooking (which he usually does the cooking) all of a sudden I realise that time has gotten away (usually due to his daze) and dinner is late as he likes to let it cook slowly.  7pm and the kids have not been fed.  He become abnoxious and asks me If I have been a chef before, do I know what I am doing/ and had also tried to get me to swear on the bible because he did not believe my answer to a minor question he asked me.  He then walks out on me (regullary on weekends)  does not return and no phone call.   I have asked him to quit his drinking, I have also asked him to cut down and NOT to drink port period.  I have said on my terms this is what I want and we will sleep seperately untill he respects me.  

My question is as I have read another one of these quesations on this site that was almost identical to mine, your answer to the person was that she had to ask the same of her husband ON HER TERMS.  I have tried this ON MY TERMS with my husband and he still gets his noes out of joint and goes against what I have asked.  As he says 'what about my terms'  what will I get in return he says.  

So what do I do now he still wont do what I have asked as he feels like that he is baing punished/treated like a child and then he aslo says that he believes that I as his wife just does not want to see him relax and be happy.  This is NOT the issue for me it is just I do not waqnt to be harrased by him under the influence of alcohol and intimidated and tormented.  SO WHAT DO I DO NOW.  Karen

ANSWER: Karen,
   Thank you for your question and the background information.

   You are doing the right thing by setting down your terms - hence, your boundaries for bad behaviors on his part. These will not be easy for him to accept especially since the history is that you probably have set boundaries in the past but did not keep them in place until behaviors changed.  This is usually the case.

   When we set boundaries regarding what we will not accept and do not maintain the consistency in our response to repeated offences, the results are just about nil.  It takes time and persistence.  It can be very difficult especially if the person to whom we are issuing these is angry, belligerent, or violent.  This is also generally the case.

    Your calls for his not drinking has fallen on deaf ears.  It will not work.  He must make the changes and he must decide that his behaviors need to change in order to have access to you and your attention.  Perhaps setting the boundary and holding firm will get him to thinking about the drinking.

    There are a myriad of reasons why someone drinks excessively but in your husband's case I suspect that he is a very fearful person deep inside and the facade of power and anger is just that - a facade.  Until he gets sober and attempts to really know who he is he will invariably continue to abuse you.

    You do not say, but I hope he has considered Alcoholics Anonymous to address his issues with drinking.  If not, you could suggest (don't force) he call the central office for AA in your area and find where meetings are held.  He needs the strength and experience and hope from people who have surmounted the reasons why they were self-destructive in their drinking behaviors.

    Unfortunately, they have to want it.

    I hope this may help and write again if you have more questions or comments.

Grace and peace,
Clyde



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Clyde, Karen again. Thanks for your quick reply.  Yes I have asked him to go to AA he did go for 1 appointment but wile horses could not drag him there again.  He is stubborn like an old muel.  He did not like the 1 session he had he flet like he was being treatede like a child.

This he also says to me that he feels like I am treating him like a child he has said that sceduals and rountines, boundries, rules and regulations are for children and he will not live by boundries, rules and regulations.

Thus he refuses to help me with housework too, he believes that he goes to work all day MON-Frid 7:30am-4:30pm  weekdays and he believes that weekends are for letting down your hair and relaxing, I have let him know that this is a 1950's thinking and life style (he is 42/ I am 35)  and I will not be in that.  I am a modern gal and I work part time 5 days a week as well as looking after a family of 2 adults and 2 children 1 school age and 1 at kinder/home.  He says that he appreciates me looking after the family and doing part time work. But I do not feel appreciated at all, especially while he is drinking/relaxing on weekends and I am still running around doing house work and looking after/entertaining the kids.  He says that he does help and by this he means that he cooks weeknights (which I help) and occassionally he vaccumns like once in 3 months.  And feeds the pets dog/cat and chooks  3 times a week. We have a wood fire/canara which we buy already chopped for, but I do most of the carting of the wood from the wood shed in the winter. At least 1 wheelbarrow a day.  He would only cart wood 2 times a week.(if that).  There are other small jobs that he says that he does like making the bed and taking out the rubbish and other little things but it is not regular enough for me there are 7 days a week and I would say that he does these little things only twice a week.  And much more when he leavs me for a day or 2 when he is drunk.         

I have saught much counciling from a phycologist over the 10 years we have been married and he refusses to attend as he does not either like them or does not agree with them or they think that they only take my side and are bias because they are female phycologists.  (He has attended 3 times consultations over 10 years).

So what do I do now.  From a wife that feels overwhelmed and burnoned.    He doesnt like rules and regulations and boundries?????

Answer
Karen,
   Thank you for the follow-up.  It is evident that your husband is not willing to look within himself for the source of his displeasure and unhappiness with life.  That is truly unfortunate and sad.

   But it is the case with millions and millions of people and thus, those in their path are riddled with pain and agony and misery.  You have been seeking help for yourself for a number of years, and that is commendable.  If you have been honest with your therapists then you have done the soulful, gut-wrenching work psychologically that is required to be healthy.  This needs to be about you.

   You can not change people.  They have to be in enough pain to get help with psychological issues.  It may seem trite and silly but all you describe points to a hurt little boy who never grew up and dealt with "life on life's terms."  He has to face that and no amount of coaxing from you is going to do any good.  Step back and ask yourself why you are beating a dead horse?

   If you still value this marriage and want to keep the home together, then you'll need to reach a place of acceptance with life as it is currently playing out.  That will not be easy but with God's help it is very possible.  Reaching this acceptance for yourself gives you back your power.  You have the power and choice to make the best of the situation.  I am not suggesting that you sit back and be a martyr.  I am suggesting that you begin to say to yourself, "What do I want to do today even though the various tasks need to be accomplished?"  "How important is the garbage at this moment?"  "Where woiuld I like to go for some fun and relaxation?"  I mean take back your power.

   IF you begin this way of responding it may prompt a change in him. Who knows?

    If the marriage is not worth saving then you also have the power of leaving.  It may seem insurmountable but if you'll begin to think more along the lines of "what do I want out of life?" and go for it you'll be surprised what is waiting for you.

    These  are my thoughts on such a situation.  He is not willing to get off dead center and face his own immaturity.  Until he chooses to do so, things will remain status quo.  You have the opportunity and power to change that status quo.

    Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde