Expert: Clyde - 10/22/2008

Question
My Mother is an Alcoholic; she almost killed herself 3 years when she was so drunk she fell down a flight of steps and cracked her head open. She was medivaced to the hospital and thankfully saved. For almost a year after that incident we as a family tried to address the issue in various attempts which unfortunately were unsuccessful. She blamed the fall on clumsiness vs. the alcohol despite what the hospital told us and what we all knew and continued to drink. We committed her to a rehab a year after the fall. Once she realized what was happening she reluctantly and angrily gave it a shot. While she was there she sounded great and hopeful and convinced us all she wanted to change. She even told us some personal goals she had for herself. After leaving the program, she gradually in the past 2 years has gotten back to her old routine of drinking daily although she hides the bottles throughout the house and when caught says she has it under control. She only attended a few AA meetings, never got a sponsor, and says she is nothing like those people there because her harm is just self inflicting pain and doesn't have outrageous stories like other alcoholics. While we continue to tell her all the wonderful things she has to live for and be grateful for and why we soo desperately want her to stop killing herself we know she has to want to make the change herself. I have already set boundaries with her such as
1.   I will not welcome drinking in my house- I will ask her to leave if she brings alcohol to my house or comes over after it is apparent she has been drinking.
2.   I will leave her house if I go there and it’s apparent she has been drinking
3.   I will not take her phone calls after 9pm which is about the time it’s apparent she has been drinking.

My question to you is how can I continue my relationship with her but at the same time not enable her?  

Answer
Jodi,
   Thank you for your question.  There is little that you can do other than the things you have already put in place.  If you are sticking to the rules and boundaries you have set then that will have to suffice for the time being.  You are right when you say she will have to do this thing for herself.

   If the boundaries finally become too painful for her and exceed the benefit she thinks she is getting from the drinking then she may change.  It may take for ever and it may end in her death estranged from the people who most love her.  It is sad but that is the way some of these situations turn out.

   Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde