Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/14/2008

Question
Hello,
I am so lost..I think.  About 4 months ago I received a phone call from my x-"recovering" alcoholic boyfriend.  He had began drinking again.  He had been sober for 15 months and in that time he broke off our relationship and had no communication with me.  I was happy/sad when he called drunk.  The feelings I had came back.  Recently he has been calling me when he is drunk.  When I finally went to see him we had sex and he told me that we should get back together.  I did not belive him since I knew the beer was doing the talking for him.  Then, this past weekend I spent some time with him and he decided that he would confess all the bad things he did while we were together.  (we were together for 4 years and have been apart for a little over a year).  I was angry and hurt when he told me his confessions.  I was also angry because he began to tell me about the females that he is currently dating and how he takes them out to dinners....while we were together he never worked.  He lived off of me, had no car nothing.  Now he pays rent and lives with a roommate has a great job and a nice car.  I know that I should not contact this man and not speak to him when he contacts me but why me?  Why does he call me during the weekend when he's been drinking?  During the week I call him and ask him to hang out he never picks his phone up or always has some excuse.  I attend al-anon, co-dependents and he tells me not to go to meetings because they don't work.  I feel that they don't work.  He also told me that he never relapsed that he just drank again.  he said that he only went to rehab because he wanted to stop drinking for a while and that he knew was going to drink again.  I am addicted to this man and I don't' know how to stop.  He's made it clear to me that we will never be back together but I can't understand why he still contacts me.  Please help me alcohol effected my life and I was not the one drinking.

Answer
Hello Lena,
I don't think you are lost. I think you understand quite well what's going on with you and your ex-boyfriend. My main point to you is that you deserve much better from a man; you deserve a mature man who is able to be there for you and to love you; an alcoholic by definition cannot do either of those things. One way to think about this relationship is this: you can love a person, but still conclude that you are better off without him. In my view, no one need, or should, stay in an abusive relationship. This man is manipulative, abusive, and still in complete denial about his alcoholism. Even though you say Al-Anon doesn't work, I suggest that you return to those meetings with an open mind, get a sponsor, and work on being good to yourself and letting go of this toxic relationship. Check out my website for further help: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html
Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com