Expert: Druideck - 10/21/2008

Question
QUESTION: I have been married to my husband for 18 years. He has always had a drinking problem since he was younger. Honestly, I always thought that it would get better after marriage. We have 2 wonderful kids that really want to love their dad. They do love their dad, however, when he gets in those mood and drinks excessively, they hate him.  They are teenagers and I am worried what impact this will have on them at a later age. My husband is always stressed out and I think that it is due to his drinking.  He does not eat much, therefore his alchol intake is worst on an empty stomach.  He does not seem to understand the impact it has on our marriage and family. His and my family are all worried about him.  Unfortunately, he does not want to get outside help and says that he can help himself, but honestly, I do not think this is possible since alchol is the devil's disease.  When I try to talk to him, he simply ignores the conversation and says that all will be OK.  I know that it will not.  When he drink, he does not remember anything he did prior as an example the night before.  This is so SAD that it breaks my and my children's heart,  but I do not know how else to help. I may be a nag because I do not want to let go of the fear I have inside that due to his drinking problem, my marriage has fallen apart and my family is breaking apart. He has pride and does not want to get outside help. As well, he feels that no one loves him and he feel abandoned and tries to get attention else where.  This is also breaking me up.  What he does not understand is that we all care for him and want to help him. We may not go about it the right way, but we are desperate to help him in any way we can. I am worried that one day we will have some bad news that he is either sick or something worst.  This is stressting me out so much because my family is the most important thing to me, but I see it falling apart and I do not see him doing anything to help. I personaly feel that he is trying to call out for help, but I am not sure if he really wants the help.  After so many years, I am starting to believe that he does not care about us and has given up on his life. Please provide any help you have such as, website links, books, any thing.   We do love him and he is a good man when he does not drink excessively. Thank you

ANSWER: Pina,

Alcoholism is an illness of denial.
The alcoholic is as you have observed
almost blind to his problem.

This is because of the defense mechanisms
developed to ward off the people that
want to interfere with his drinking.
They do not see you wanting to help
only the nagging or complaining
or threats you may make in response
to the drinking.
An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol.

No human power can change this or get
in the way of it. Alcohol always
wins the man until the man lets go
of his false pride and starts
seeking help from a program of abstinence
like AA.

The AA book is online here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
I suggest you all read as much of it as you
can without predjudice or judgement.
This is the way to sobriety and it works
no matter what else you might hear from
unrecovered people. I am 22 years sober
from a serious drinking problem using the
12 step method of recovery. I attended AA
until my cravings lessened and then
continued to learn and grow as a sober person.

Your husband can write to me if he likes.
Some alcoholics do lose their families
as I did and some lose their lives before
they wake up to how deadly it is.
I know drinkers are stubborn and they
do not like being told what to do.
They also have much false pride that
keeps them hiding how bad things really are.

I was not crazy about getting help either
until it became life or death, then my
pride was dashed and I went first
to an alcohol counsellor, then a treatment
center and finally AA until I could say no
to that first drink that starts the craving
again.

Often families do not understand why
their husband and father are so selfish.
The answer is he is ill and has no choice
but to drink even when he really tries
to quit he will drink again without help.
He is a slave to alcohol until he gets free.

If he does not make the choice for life
then you will be wasting your own life
trying to help. He will only go downhill.
Think of it as an illness, can you cure
any serious illness like cancer? Not likely.

You can consult a counsellor for an
organized intervention to try
to force him into treatment.
If it fails you must keep the vows you
make to leave him on his own or to
separate until he shows signs of
real recovery. A month or two in AA
meetings would ruin his drinking
but staying sober is his responsibility
as an adult.

Do not help him to drink. Don't
buy it, don't cover up for
his behaviour and stop trying
to control an illness.
Back away a bit and let him learn to
be responsible.

If his pride gets hurt all the better
for some humility might save his life.
Take care of yourself and your kids,
I suggest trying some Al-Anon meetings
in your area as they will help
you with understanding and
what not to do in regard to your
husbands problem.

A families love works in recovery
but has no effect on the illness
of alcoholism.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: If my husband may want to write to you himself, is there a specific e-mail address he should write to.  As well, is there any way that an individual can help himself (to either cut down on the drinking or stop completely) without going to an outside treatment.  Thank you

Answer
Pina,

once a person passes a certain point
which varies depending on the person,
it is no longer possible to control
a drinking problem.

Once addicted a drinker will
always drink again and can
not control or stop drinking.

They may stop by using will power
for brief times which usually
become shorter as times goes on.

Soon they discover they cannot stop
and cannot control how much or
when they drink. Sometimes
they will drink at the worst
times and do things they
never planned to do like
driving drunk or getting
in other trouble.

As far as stopping on one's own
it is something a person can try
and if the experiment fails they
will know then the problem
is bigger than they thought.

The reason for recovery programs
and peer support like AA is to help the alcoholic through
the tough times when they feel
like drinking. AA is better than drinking
and helps you to learn new things that
help you deal with living sober.
Soon you much prefer it to your drinking life.
Once you feel more secure in your recovery
you can choose how many or if you
want to continue with AA meetings.

For the first few months I highly recommend
the support of counsellors, treatment centers
and AA meetings if one is serious
about getting free of drinking.

I suggest reading the "Doctor's Opinion"
here in the big book of AA:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Reading this book may help keep him sober
if all else fails. He can write me here
at allexperts.com the same as you did.