Expert: Druideck - 10/14/2008

Question
I am so lost..I think. About 4 months ago I received a phone call from my x-"recovering" alcoholic boyfriend. He had began drinking again. He had been sober for 15 months and in that time he broke off our relationship and had no communication with me. I was happy/sad when he called drunk. The feelings I had came back. Recently he has been calling me when he is drunk. When I finally went to see him we had sex and he told me that we should get back together. I did not belive him since I knew the beer was doing the talking for him. Then, this past weekend I spent some time with him and he decided that he would confess all the bad things he did while we were together. (we were together for 4 years and have been apart for a little over a year). I was angry and hurt when he told me his confessions. I was also angry because he began to tell me about the females that he is currently dating and how he takes them out to dinners....while we were together he never worked. He lived off of me, had no car nothing. Now he pays rent and lives with a roommate has a great job and a nice car. I know that I should not contact this man and not speak to him when he contacts me but why me? Why does he call me during the weekend when he's been drinking? During the week I call him and ask him to hang out he never picks his phone up or always has some excuse. I attend al-anon, co-dependents and he tells me not to go to meetings because they don't work. I feel that they don't work. He also told me that he never relapsed that he just drank again. he said that he only went to rehab because he wanted to stop drinking for a while and that he knew was going to drink again. I am addicted to this man and I don't' know how to stop. He's made it clear to me that we will never be back together but I can't understand why he still contacts me. Please help me alcohol effected my life and I was not the one drinking.

Answer
Lena,

I noticed that you wrote in about a month ago
and it sounds like things are going about
the same for you.
I believe there is "relationship addiction"
and it can be as destructive as any other
addiction. The desire to keep contact with
a man that is obviously abusing you
is a definite sign that your attraction
is not a healthy one. You are chasing
a man that is not emotionally available
in the hopes that he will change or
perhaps that you can change him somehow,
someday.
You are accepting scraps of what you
think is love from a man unable to
love anyone due to his addiction problems.
He tells you not to attend meetings because
if you get well he won't be able to use
you anymore as you will be able
to break things off with him and
live a happier, fuller life that
won't include men like him.
In recovery you will learn to value
yourself and expect to be treated well.
You will not be content to be treated
as second best. You will learn to feel
whole with or without this man.
If he is still drinking it will be many
years before he has any solid recovery
to depend on.
You can free yourself of this dependence
and give up trying to draw love from
empty wells. You can grow to realize that
men do not have anything special that
will make you complete, the good feelings
you want to have are coming from inside
of you not from him.
I know it is not easy to let go
when you feel he is what you need
even though the facts say he is only
hurting you. Give up the need for this
hurt and start healing yourself.
Go back to Al-Anon or a Co-dependents
meeting when you feel desparate.
Get any or all of Robin Norwood's
books on "Women who love too much"
Read them until you don't even care
what that man does with his life.
Take back your life and never accept
less again.
The freedom from being addicted
to anything or anyone is a worthy
pursuit and happens in the 12 step groups
over time. You will someday look back
and realize those steps saved your life.

PS: at least read those books I mentioned
they are the path to peace.