Expert: Clyde - 10/18/2008

Question
I finally put my foot down and moved out of my boyfriends house due to his consistant ability to magically transform himself into the back end of a donkey after polishing off a half pint or more of whiskey a nite. I love him with all my heart and warned him several times that I won't put up with his emotionally abusive drunken bevior. The man I love is him, totally sober. The man I can't stand to be around is him, totally drunk. Since I moved out a week ago, he has been so apologetic and sweet and just like he was when we first started dating. He keeps begging me to come back home, but I told him I wouldn't until he got help.I work with him, and he has been very professional so far (he's also my supervisor!). I guess what my question is, how am I supposed to carry on with him? I love him to pieces, and even though he promises me that he won't drink anything other than an occasional beer, how do I know he won't pull the same crap that broke my heart and pushed me to the point to move out? How do I support him without crossing any lines? He seems to think he can kick this on his own even though he grew up with an alcoholic father. He said hed do anything to get me back. So i sugested A.A. And he said he can't afford it. I'm so mad! How do i deal with my thick skulled stubborn boyfriend? Or should i even be calling him my boyfriend at all? Because of this,my aunts basement is full of all my worldly possesions, and my heart is empty. Nice trade, eh?

Answer
Paula,
   Thank you for your follow up and I commend you for moving out.  I know how much you must love this guy but there is one thing you need to know right away and take to heart - a practicing alcoholic loves two things more than anything in the world, booze and themselves.  You will not be part of this person's world until the drinking is dealt with and he accepts that he is an alcoholic.

   His answer to you about AA is very telling.  He knows nothing about AA - not even that it is FREE!!!! There are no due or fees, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.  We do ask for a $1.00 contribution at each meeting but that is voluntary and no one would ever suggest that you can not come to the rooms because you never paid the $1.00.  And someone is probably putting in a $1.00 anonymously for those who can't anyway.

   I suggest that you are in a better place right now even though it feels all wrong.  Accept the kindness of your aunt to give you a place in the meantime and begin to look for your future today - maybe a new job (if this boyfriend thing surmounts the merits of the job's salary), a new place to live, a renewed sense of happiness that you have been spared the demise of the alcoholic as they sink deeper into the abyss of drinking.

   This guy does not want to be sober for the right reasons and if he ever did decide to get that way he might find that he doesn't appreciate you for who you are anyway.  Sobriety brings with it a whole new set of eyes which which they view life from the first day of true sobriety until they die.

    Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde