Expert: Druideck - 10/27/2008

Question
My husband drank every night of his life since before I met him. I knew he had a problem, but I thought my love was bigger than the problem. He even warned me that he was a functioning alcoholic. He lost his job of 22 years through closure of the plant he worked at. He promptly got a job working in a camp where alcohol is not permitted. (2 beer per month.) I was terified that he would get the dt's and not be able to fulfill his contract. I was overjoyed when he said he didn't miss the booze. I hoped that it was the beginning of a new chapter in our life.when I collected him from the airport on his first leave his first stop was a liquor store. after two weeks at home, he had drunk 90 beers and 146 oz.of rum. How can he go so long (3 months) without drinking and then drink like its going out of style? Our two eldest children 13 and 10 are disgusted with him. I guess we didn't realize how bad it was untill we had a break from it. What do we do next I looked for al anon and there is non around here. I have no family to help me and my husbands sister ignored my cry for help.

Answer
Amanda,

the illness of alcoholism affects
the family over time as well as
the alcoholic. It is important to
see this as many of the thoughts
and patterns of behaviour you
have can be part of this family
problem.

One of the first things to realize
is that you can not cure your husband.
This is not something that can
be discussed like in a normal relationship
difficulty. This is likely an addiction
to alcohol that your husband has and
requires that he seek help to recover.
I guarantee will power does not work
on alcohol.

You can not fix him through
love or anger. It is important for
families to see that.
If he has no desire to stop drinking
then that is his choice.

Often the best way to help an alcoholic
spouse is to stop doing anything
that contributes to his ability
to keep on drinking.
Don't argue, scold, belittle, beg, or
try to extract promises he cannot keep.

Addiction is not something you can just
stop doing for long. The thought patterns
and behaviours he has have to be treated
through counselling, treatment/rehab and
also Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
Without his cooperation he will not
stop and will not recover.
Many alcoholics can stop when
they have to for periods of time
but often these times get less
as the illness progresses.

If you have access to an alcohol
counsellor in your area you
can get info and ask them about
interventions. This is an organized
confrontation of the alcoholic to
try to get them into treatment.

Do not live your life expecting him
to change as he may or may not.
You have to take care of your
own thoughts, feelings and recovery
from living this way.
This may be new for you to let go
and work on yourself and allow
him make his own decisions about
drinking or sobriety.
Your recovery will do more to
affect him then your other attempts
to get him to change his behaviour.
Recovery for you will involve books
and/or any meetings you can find
about co-dependence.
Robin Norwood has some excellent books.
Please pick up a copy online or
maybe your library.

Some more info to read here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_doctoropinion.cfm