Expert: Amarnath.B - 10/30/2008

Question
hello,

my hubby is 34 and i am 29. my hubby is an alcoholic. he is a marine engineer, when he is at home, he drinks 4 pegs afternun and 4 in the night. he smokes 10-12 cigs a day. he physically and verbally abuses me. i am dependent on him, which he likes as well as he wants me to earn. he has double-standards. i have spoken to him for counselling but he does not want, he says he is drinking of his money. he screams at me. i have no one to turn to, so called friends are happy at my troubles. what should i do? is der any medicine that i can start? i cannot start thinking about a kid because of his behaviour!!!!!!!!

till when should i wait? my mom is not strong, when i tell her i want to move out, she gets panicky and says that i god will solve everything. but when??????? we had 4 years courtship and 4 yrs of marriage in june. his greedy father taught him to drink from the age of 19!!!!!!

please help

thanks

e dmello

mumbai, india

Answer
Hello Ms.D'mello,

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and cannot be cured.  There is no known cure till date for alcoholism.  It can only be arrested by total abstinence from alcohol.

There are numerous treatments for alcoholism but one has to have the desire to stop drinking. But, there is no medicine to cure this disease. Most alcoholics do not stop till they reach rock bottom.  Many lose their jobs, finances, families, friends etc and still will not have the desire to stop drinking.  There is a solution and that is Alcoholics Anonymous (a spiritual program for alcoholics).

By your description, your husband does not seem to have the desire to stop drinking. Families that get affected by an alcoholic become a co-dependent which is your case.  You are now caught in a loop and feel there is no way out. You have become emotionally, physically, and financially dependent on him.  Before it gets too late, I feel you should come to a decision.  You have your own life ahead of you and should move on.  Alcoholic not just self-destructs himself/herself but also people around him get affected.  I'm glad that you have no children because children are the most affected by a parent's alcoholism. You should try and convince your husband about the ills of drinking or should try and get a counselor or a priest to talk to him. If everything fails, you should as an individual, come to a decision. There is no point in continuing an alcoholic relationship.  Gather courage and talk to your husband about how you are affected by his drinking and his behavior.  Be very frank and tell him about your fears of the future. I am sure he will retaliate but remember God is always there for the sufferer.  There is a whole world waiting for you and if you have faith everything will work out for you.  I think you should stay away from your husband for a while and see if he comes to his senses.  Contact Al-Anon (a self help group of families and friends of alcoholics)and attend their meetings.  Here, you will find many like you who have suffered the onslaught in alcoholic relationships.  There are a few groups in Mumbai.  If you can contact Alcoholics Anonymous they will will guide you.  AA has many groups, almost in every locality in Mumbai and help is not far away.

I hope and pray things work out for you Ms.D'mello and I'm sure it will if you have faith in God.  Mail me again if you have any questions and concerns, I'm always ready to help you.

God Bless


Amarnath