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Addiction to Alcohol/Is my on/off bf alcoholic? Am i right to leave him now?

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Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/6/2008


Question

myself and Mark on a n
Hello Jan,
I have been involved with Mark for 5 years,I quickly realised he was a heavy drinking but as initially we were in a long distance relationship I did nt realise how bad until he was until we moved in together consequently we broke up after 2 and a half years but managed to stay friends and kept in close contact, after 8 months we started seeing each other casually again but he always worked away so again it was difficult to gauge how much he drank as i only saw him every few months although i gathered it was still a lot,he asked me to get back with him and marry him a month ago and since then he has been a total nightmare,I sat back to see what he would do left to his own device and he drank every day/night for 10days,he called me up on 2 evenings late at night drunk and came to my home,one night he woke my children and got them out of bed( they are 6 and 10)they were so upset the next day they missed school he said lets go get them presents to make up when we got to the till he said he had no money so i ended up paying( he never gave me the money back),I was working that nite and by time i finished and met him he was drunk and when we went to his house he woke his housemate up to drink and she was angry,I asked to see him on the saturday he said he was going to a leaving do so I left him to it,I called him sunday morning he did nt pick up,by time I heard from him it was Monday and I was nt happy,he had been drunk all weekend to extent he had fallen asleep on his housemates sofa and pissed himself,she said its final straw and was throwing him out,I went to see him and told him I d had enough of him too and I thought he was Alcoholic and needed help he said he was nt but he knew he d been really bad recently and did nt no why and when he started drinking he just could nt stop and when he is nt with me he drinks,I warned him he was on his last chance with me and not to come near my children til he sorted himself out,he agreed then made no contact with me again for 2 days and went out drinking both nights so I have ended the relationship,he is crying and saying he is sorry he does nt no whats wrong with him,he is 36 and destroying his life,he spends all his money drinking and has no possessions at all any more,he even sold his tv to go for a night out!he has no car,no home,nothing only his clothes,toiletries and cds yet does nt see it as a problem,he misses days off work due to his drinking,gets nasty if you try to stop him drinking and has been violent when I ve challenged him over it when he is drunk,he is always borrowing money as he spends his wages on drink,when sober he is a wonderful person but I m thinking of walking away forever as I think he is alcoholic?,his mum has huntingdons disease and he is terrified he will get it too which i dont think helps,its awful as i love him so much but cant see him destroy me and my children along with himself,we live a total different life and live in a lovely big house,I have my own business and work very hard to make sure we live a wonderful live and the children want for nothing together we could have so much yet he ruins it all through drinking.Any advice would be gratefully recieved. xx


Answer
Hello Paula,
I regret the delay in responding to your question. I am not sure why I didn't get the question and respond, but here is my reaction to your question. I applaud your approach of placing the safety and wellbeing of yourself and your children as the number one priority. Clealry Mark is in a serious stage of alcoholism, out of control; the only viable option is abstinence and recovery for him. In some situations, sadly, you may have to end a relationship even though you love the individual, because of the need to put your own welfare and that of your children first. This case may be such a situation. A compromise suggestion would be to clearly state to Mark that you can have no relationship until he treats his alcoholism and has attained and maintained abstinence and recovery for a substantial period of time, such as six months. You may also wish to explore the information and support available in Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Jan Edward Williams

Expertise

all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Experience

I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 29 years and am in recovery myself for 31 years

Organizations
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board

Education/Credentials
MS Counseling Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland

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