Expert: Rebos - 10/21/2008

Question
I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and living with him for 4 months. I knew when we started dating that he drank beer after work but, I thought it was only a few. After we started living together I noticed it was a twelve pack or on bad nights a case. In the last month we have fought about everything, I have tried to keep peace in the house for fear of an argument but when he drinks anything can spark one. The last few ended up with him verbally abusing me and of course promising never to do it again. I finally got the courage to ask him to leave and told him we couldn't talk until he got help. This relationship has completely destroyed me financially and emotionally. He went home and talked to his family and friends and told them that he loved me to much to let his drinking get in the way of our relationship. He texts me a lot since I will not speak to him and has sworn to give it up and seek counseling for his anger issues because he wants a life with me and is tired of the life he has as an alcoholic. I want to believe him with all my heart because I do love him and it is the hardest thing to do to not talk to him. I just don't know what to do! He says that he needs me with him through his recovery and needs to know I will be there for him when he is done. I can't make these promises. I have texted him back and explained how I feel and told him I support him in his recovery and told him if he is successful we can talk and maybe go on a date but, I will not change for him or let him control my life like he did. I can't help but feel guilty, he makes me feel like I am responsible for his success. He is working (which he has not done in a while) out of state and has an appointment with a counselor and says he has not had a drink in three days.I just need some advise on how to handle this situation. I feel I have no one to talk to because my family hates him for what he has done to me. His family and friends tell me they have never seen him this serious about finally getting his life together and credit me for it. It's a lot of pressure! Do I talk to him and support him even  though I'm not sure about our future? Any advise would be extremely helpful.

Answer

Good afternoon Jennifer and thank you for your question. If your boyfriend doesn’t get help for his drinking problem and you end up marrying him you are setting your self up for a lifetime of misery and unhappiness. If you intend to have children with him they will be affected by their father’s alcoholism in so many ways that you can’t imagine. I have NEVER seen a man or woman (if they are alcoholic) stop drinking on their willpower alone. Nor have I ever seen an alcoholic “control their drinking” for the long haul. You have to realize that once a person has to think about controlling their drinking…“they have already lost control”. If on the other hand your boyfriend gets help by attending Alcoholics Anonymous AND stays sober in the program for at least ONE YEAR then you could marry him if you still love him at that time. When I say stay sober in AA for a year; that means going to a meeting every day, and getting active in AA’s program of recovery. There are no shortcuts and once a person is an alcoholic they will always be an alcoholic. That means that he will have to go to AA meetings for the rest of his life (one day at a time). Don’t think for one minute that if your boyfriend is getting sober for you that it will work for him! He doesn’t need you to get sober! He’s just conning you if he says that it will be easier if you give him moral support. In fact he may be better off if you do break-up with him… so that he can pay attention to getting and staying sober.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you and any children that you may have with him! Forget the financial part of your relationship. If a man hits a woman they will always hit a woman

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over. In the meantime (during the year that your boyfriend is in AA and actively doing something to get his life back in order)… If you intend to stay with him I suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control.

What ever you do NEVER make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with, because then you will become an enabler! An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.

Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. AA is the place where he will find the answer to his drinking. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% . For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

You may think that I have been a bit tough on you with my answer, but alcoholism is a very serious matter and I’ve only told you the truth about what you will face (or a lot worse) if you marry your boyfriend and he does nothing about his drinking problem. I would be pleased to respond to any follow-up questions that you may have. Thank you, Rebos.