Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/21/2008

Question
Hi,

I have an alcoholic brother who is 38 years old and he lives with my parents. He started to drink 10 years ago but not much. He’s been drinking heavily recently and he has black out on a daily basis when he has too much. If he doesn’t drink too much he is okay but sometimes he gets out of control. He hasn’t been abusive and didn’t harm anybody at home. There are only my parents are at home and all other sibling live in a different cities. My parents have to deal with him, take care of him and make excuses for him all the time. They are old and ill, My mom is cancer survivor and my dad has been sick for a while now. When he drinks too much he talks non stop and act like a child and sometimes he gets angry and violent with himself. Cut him or punch to the wall. He is generally a shy and quiet person and he doesn’t talk much. He has a store but now it has been almost a month he didn’t go to the shop. He stays home and drinks and makes my parent life very difficult.  I have taken him to couple of doctors but he refuses any help and he doesn’t admit that he is an alcoholic. He says that he likes to stop but he likes to have a small drink every day. We argued over this a lot but don’t help.

I asked him to leave the house and get a house for himself but he says he needs time to get a place. My mom doesn’t like to force him out of the house. When he is not drinking he is a very nice, caring person and he always taken care of my parent but recently it has been really bad………….. He passed out and talk to himself and couple of time injured himself.

He can stay out of drink as long as nothing around but as soon as he sees drink he drinks without any power.

What do you think we should do?


Answer
Hello Sara,
The situation you describe is a difficult one to address. Your parents, through no fault of their own, have fallen into enabling behavior that allows your brother's alcoholism to continue without consequences. Unfortunately, an alcoholic rarely stops drinking without the motivation of pain and consequences. So, the goal would be to help your parents to arrive at the point where they can force your brother to get treatment or leave the house, and be able to follow through with that consequence if he refuses. I realize helping them to do that tough love approach will be difficult, but know of no other course to suggest. Your parents' safety and well- being must come first. Check out the Al-Anon (the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic) website for information: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com