Expert: Clyde - 10/29/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Clyde,
I am a 38 yr old professional woman with various degrees and a decent head on my shoulder. I am very self aware with years of therapy under my belt and feel that i know myself really well. I met this great guy who is a recovering alcholic for 14 yrs. Sober the entire time. I drink occasionaly and have no idea on what the "right" thing to do is. I want to be true to who I am and..want to be sensitive to what my partner's needs and wants are. We've only been dating for a bit, and we did have some conversation around how he feels about alchol being in my home- he says that he is around it at times with his friends (this guy is also a professional and over 45 yrs old) and that it is ok. If there are nights that he can not be with it, then he doesnt go to the event, however that if vodka were to be constantly lying around (projecting onto our possible future here) that it may be a problem. Im not sure whats the healthy thing to do- Do i need to become a alchol free home, do i have a drink when were out to dinner or at a part? Help...i cant believe i can actuall be so clueless about this- its just such a new situation for me.
Thank you!

ANSWER: Lori,
   Thank your for your question.  It is a very good one and needs to be asked more frequently by more couples sooner than later and for the right reason.

   This fellow certainly has a significant time under his belt with sobriety.  I have right at 14 and 1/2 years and I am so thankful for it.  This subject is a good one because I have experienced WHAT NOT TO DO in relationships regarding alcohol.  Here is what I suggest you do:

   Decide what is really important to you.  Do you wish to keep drinking as you now do?  Do you desire to have alcohol in the home for your own purposes and entertainment of guests?  Do you have a wet bar and if so, do you wish to keep it stocked and is it important for you to have your glassware on display?  Any wine glasses that you really treasure?  These answers will be your truth regarding your use of alcohol personally.  Perhaps you will think of some additional questions to ask yourself.

    Next, it will be important to bring up the subject again and discuss further the ramifications of your alcohol use around him.  You are not responsible for his sobriety and even if he did drink it is not your fault.  He should know he is to protect his sobriety, and he alone does that, not you.  Listen to his concerns and make sure that he spells these out to you.  You might be fearful of bringing up the subject but trust me, it is something that needs to be out in the open COMPLETELY early in your dating relationship.

    Make a list of these concerns and match them against your own desires and feelings regarding liquor.  Compromise where you can but do not give in on items for which you have strong feelings.  Give yourself some time to think these over so that you don't feel pressured into an agreement for which you feel uneasy.  IUt may take a few days.

    Next, renegotiate the items that are still concerns.  You two discussing this calmly and cooly will allow possible further compromises.  Reach an agreement and part of that needs to be an openness that renegotiations are always welcome from both sides.
ALWAYS be willing to listen for renegotiations.

    I certainly cannot speak for him, but here is how I feel about liquor (if it matters):  I have a healthy fear of it knowing what I can be under its influence.  I loved the taste of a good bourbon or scotch and I also liked the effect.  Thus I have some fear about its being left in the open in an irresponsible, flippant fashion.  It would be a temptation for me.  Keep in mind no one is responsible for my sobriety- I am.  I do not value the way alcohol is marketed and emblazoned everywhere, thus I can find myself resentful and angry because I know how it will destroy some young lives who are not mature enough to know what alcohol really is - a depressant.  There are some places I just would not enjoy because of the use of alcohol in some venues.  My choice is my choice.  I do not mind someone having a glass of wine or beer or mixed drink around me but I would have a problem if it were alcoholic drinking.  Here again I would want some respect for my position but I do not tell others how they should drink.

    I hope this has helped you some in making the list and having an open talk.  Until you hear his truth and know your own you can not negotiate a really good settlement on the drinking issue.  But if he is an "emotionally sober" person, meaning he is a recovering person who practices his AA principles in all his affairs, then you should be able to solve it mutually to each satisfaction.  

    And did I say be open to renegotiate?

    Write anytime you have more questions or if his position poses some challenges to you.

Grace and Peace
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: ok, so this weekend we are going to a halloween party- his friend's- i havent met yet. We are spending the weekend together for the first time. Im thinking it will be a great opportunity for us to further the discussion. This man has worked for this and seems to be deep within his committment. He has also had therapy as well. To answer your questions above: i do not own and i dont care about wetbars/glassess. I do usually have some form of wine or liquor in the home- this i know i can do without as well, however what concerns me is this: we're hanging out, getting to know each other, kissing,laughing, enjoying each other- i would usually have a glass of wine or a cocktail with a man that i an getting to know. Is it ok for me to do that? or is it insensitive? I noted that he drinks club soda and lime- so i already have that for him. (we have only been dating for 2 weeks) He already stated that he is ok with it, but my heart feels like its wrong or something (not quite sure what it feels about it at this moment) The other thing i know about myself is that in thepast i would give up parts of me to make someone else happy , and i know that i can not and will not do that again. Its untrue and will only grow to resentment. I guess what im saying is that because the relationship is so new, im not sure how to socialize in the getting to know you phase.  ANy suggestions there? I will definetly bring up the convo again this weekend and spell out what we see this aspiect of our relationship looks like.
Thanks again Clyde.
Lori

Answer
Lori,
    Thank you for the follow-up and added information.  Here are some thoughts, and use them as you see fit.

    I do not appreciate the lingering wine smell on someone's breath after they have been drinking.  Closeness after that occurrence would be a little difficult for me in the beginning.  You'll have to assess that one with him.  It would probably be a good topic for the conversation.  I think it is something many people may not think about (smokers for instance).

   I have often known that I used alcohol for a little extra confidence and icebreaker when involved in relationships.  Alcohol takes the edge off and many alcoholics don't realize that that little effect can lead them down the path of dependence on the alcohol to meet those needs.  Perhaps you are sensing the same "loosing up" power of drink and that allows a less inhibited interaction.  I guess now I depend on my Higher Power to direct me when I am in relationship to be a better man and friend and whatever using the "natural-old" me.  What you see is what you get sort of.

   I am glad to see that you have made the discovery about yourself through therapy (the giving away of yourself to please someone else).  That is chiefly why we must always be honest with ourselves about our own truth.  Sometimes the truth hurts and we don't get what we want (a relationship breaks up because a "deal breaker" enters the picture.) but we suffer the pain of loss and we move on knowing we have been true to ourselves.

   I would suggest that you enjoy this weekend and don't let any of this be too burdensome. It sounds like you two get along and that is important in the beginning.  Your asking the questions will help in making sure that you are striving to be the very best you can be as a human being and a companion.

   One last thought.  A recovering alcoholic is usually very conscious of the antics of people who are drinking too much.  In case that happens with the partying this weekend you might be cognizant of his mood (I wouldn't press him unless he suggests that he has had enough of the atmosphere) and be ready and willing to bail out of any such situations.  It would show a lot of support for him.

   Hope all goes well and have a great Halloween weekend.

   Write anytime

Grace and Peace,
Clyde