Expert: Clyde - 10/21/2008

Question
Hi Clyde,

I started dating a wonderful man 6 months ago.  When we go to dinner we have a glass of wine, when we go to ballgames we have a beer or two, etc.  When we stay home to watch a movie we may share a bottle of wine.  When we first started dating we went out more often than stayed home, and he was always the one driving so he was much more cautious about how much he was drinking.  He is a big guy anyway and can probably assimilate alcohol but I always appreciated his attention to not drinking and driving.  Well, the nights that we stay in, he will drink an entire bottle of wine by himself.  Or two.  I am still drinking one to two glasses of wine, enough to enjoy with dinner but I rarely get tipsy or drunk.  Esp now that I am concerned about his drinking. I have not said anything, he is 49 and was a grown man with his own business and life before I met him, and he is set in his ways. One of his ways is that he sleeps until 11 or so and goes to the office around 1, then works until 8, then stays up having a few beers, etc.  until midnight.  I thought it was just his biorythms or whatever but now I am wondering if it is an elaborate arrangement concocted as a convenience to drink.  And of course, whenever he is drinking our lovelife goes right out the window, between the drinking, his age and the blood pressure pills I am not getting any attention.  I hesitate to bring it up because that is one of the side effects of dating an older man and I know that I just have to grin and bear it sometimes, but it is frustrating when the situation is worsened by alcohol, and since it would seem that he is picking alcohol over THAT.  That is not the reason for my email, but it has been about two months of me wondering if he is drinking too much and noticing that every Fri and Sat night he is drinking a couple of bottles of wine and a couple beers and sometimes a mixed drink and though I have never seen him drunk, he does get more talkative and sweet.  Imagine. He runs his own company, owns his own house, and is on top of things for the most part.  I just notice that his evenings seem to be spent having beers or wine in front of the tv.  I think some of it could be a rut he got into from being a single guy for so long, but I don't want to be making excuses and get trapped into something.  What do you think.

Answer
Shannon,
   Thank you for your sharing the situation and for your questions.

   The significant thing here is that you have not talked with him about the drinking excesses.  I can understand why.

   First, I would suggest that you decide just how important wine and beer is to you - i.e. would you be able to give it up readily and completely if a relationship required it?  I do not say "demanded it",  but required it, for the other person to be happy in relationship with you.  That is a matter of you own soul-searching.

   I think it is important for you to have given this some serious thinking before you have a conversation with this fellow regarding the effects HIS drinking is having on you.  Only in this way can you enter the conversation truthfully sharing your understanding of alcohol as a pleasurable enjoyment.

   IF HE IS ALCOHOLIC, this will probably be a very difficult and traumatic conversation.  He will more than likely be very defensive about his drinking and offer many reasons why he is not having a problem with alcohol, why you need to leave him to his own enjoyments, etc.

   IF HE IS NOT ALCOHOLIC, the conversation should go much easier and with more receptivity to you concerns.  He ought to receive it as a matter of looking at his own use of alcohol and relationships.  A non-alcoholic, although perhaps having some sadness that the enjoyment of alcoholic beverages may be curtailed, would accept the changes without much difficulty and be more considerate of your concerns.

    I think the chief evil of alcohol is that it destroys relationships - relationships with one's self, relationships with family and loved ones, relationships at work, and relationship with one's Maker, or God.  It is insidious how it creeps into someone's life and they do not realize how it has taken over their world.

    I hope this helps in offering some ways to go about this but I do think that you need to broach the subject soon so that you are not hurt any worse should the conversation and resultant changes for which you may be asking be set on deaf ears.

    Write any time

Grace and Peace,
Clyde