Expert: Clyde - 10/16/2008

Question
CLyde, YOu  give such insightful advise- My husband is in and out of AA- trying hard to get and stay sober- our home life is a mess- hes cold and distant- not interested in going anyway much,or communicationg at all- he just stares at me and I talk. I am about to leave and live on my own- its s 3 year marriage and we have no reason to be upset- we have the trappings of the world, recently he quit his CEO job and has been out on his own putting together new investors with ideas- he seems annoyed and irratable and snappy whenn at home- or hes in his office distancing... HE won't go to a therapist anymore- he goes to AA for staying sober, but his childhood issues are so real- his MOther and FAther had no joy one day of their lives- very smart and nice peoprl- but divorceda dn neither remarried or had other friends- the perfectionism, duty and achievements dive my husband- hes so busy putting thoughts/deals together athat he has no time for anything else- not me, home- its miserable- his anger shows and his tone can be really touchy,,, What is wrong with him> I am about to make my mind up to not continue this marriage- its that bad, What is up with this type of 56 yr old man- he seems miserable all the time- andhis happy is fake, and he has been losing his sobiety while saying hes fine.... ITs all crazy making for me... He had big troubles with is MOther- and I think I pay for his anger towars her. HE is very passive aggressive,,,,,, So we cannot resolve anything- its just stufed under the rug and that is that- this is permeating our entire world... and I am to sure I can stay. Help..... He has one foot in recovery and one foot not- I wated him all weekend be drunk and then passed out. IT was an ugly scene- but I didn't get mad,,, HElp

Answer
Debra,
    Thank you for your questions and for explaining some of the details of the relationship.  It does sound as if your husband is at a place where he must either return completely to the drink or make the difficult step into real sobriety by "facing the demons" and that means the past hurts and wounds that have him all bound up.

    If you have read many of my responses you may have know my viewpoint on this dilemma - the recovering person goes just far enough to stop the tortuous pain but won't delve any deeper into the root causes.  This is sort of natural I guess, it makes sense to relieve the pain and then not risk any further pain for whatever reason.

    It takes tremendous courage to enter the darkness and face the demons. Until your husband decides to do this on his own you are left with the delimma.  I would suspect that he either never shared honestly with his therapist or that some raw exposed nerve was touched that frightened him away.  When the pain of not dealing with his life issues becomes acute enough he may return to do some further work but not until.  Some people become so fascinated with the things to be discovered (I am one of those) that they almost relish the work to be done no matter what pain or fear may arise. Some people will never have the desire or the strength to do it.

    I hope he is a person who does value the concept of God or a Higher Power.  This work can not be done without reliance on that Higher Power as far as I am concerned.   Like I said it is a dangerous realm to enter alone.

    All that being said, where does that leave you?  Well, I feel your anger and frustration over his lack of initiative to be more into the marriage by exhibiting care and emotional support for you.  You may never get this given his being stuck in his recovery process.  That is the simple answer.  If you stay it will mean acceptance that you can do nothing to force him on.  If you go then you face the prospects of finding someone equally incapable.

    This is the point at which your decision must include something very personal - you must be willing to be absolutely honest about your own life and your own emotional and mental health.  You must be willing to really look at your past life and past relationships and ask what about those (failures and successes) point you to areas that God would have your improve upon? How have you been effected by your own upbringing and what baggage do you bring to relationships that is hurtful? How can you be a better partner in relationship (either a new one or this marriage)?  If you are willing to face this challenge as your own stepping into the darkness, you will be opening a door into a bright and exciting new life for yourself.  This is what I believe the Alanon program was truly designed to do - give the persons who are not alcoholic a ready-made group of people with whom to work their own program of recovery.

   I hope this helps and feel free to write again when you have more questions or just want to share.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde