Expert: Amarnath.B - 10/30/2008

Question
Hi, I'm not sure I have a question just need some reassurance. I've been married 12 years and my husband has always had a drinking problem. It has progressed and 2 years ago he threatened my life. i made him get out and he got out-patient treatment.He seemed sincere at the time.  Afterwards he kind of manipulated his way back into the house. For 2 years he was sober and what I saw was that he was more angry than before and became even MORE controlling, jealous and even physically abusive.He would accuse me of going to a bar etc when I never have. He attented AA maybe 2 times a month. It was almost worse than before. Two months ago he said he decided he thought he could be a "social drinker". I warned him that he should tread lightly as I couldn't take him going off the deep end. Well right away (within 10 days) it was as if he opended Pandoras box! He is drinking all the time, hiding it, lying about it, having troubles at work and is over the top with his abuse. He drove drunk with our kids, showed up at school functions tanked, beat the lights off the back of my truck, broke every phone in the house so I couldn't call for help. Unfortunately the list goes on but I see him starting to be mean to our boys. Our oldest doesn't want to come home until my husband has gone to bed. I've been a wreck, yes, I've nagged and begged. Finally I gave him an ultimatum. Get help or I file for divorce by the end of the month. So its the end of the month and my husband actually mocks me by laughing and saying I'm a chicken shit. But I am done with all this apin and drama. I got the money together and am calling my attorney this week. I can't believe he doesn't see whats happening. He blames ME for all of this. He did say he thinks he might have a problem but when "hes ready" he'll do something. I can't live with him anymore and I know I can't fix him. It hurts  to end this and yet I almost taste relief. My oldest son cornrered me and said its the end of the month, what are you going to do? I told him I was going to follow through because we all deserve a better home environment. I feel once this happens my husband will really go off the deep end but its not my fault. Just tell me I'm doing the right thing. Thanks for listening, Debbie

Answer
Hello Debbie,

At the outset my sympathies goes out to you and the family.  

Debbie, alcoholism is a disease and cannot be cured. It can only be arrested by total abstinence.  You have mentioned that your husband did get outpatient treatment and would attend AA off and on.  I think your husband is still in denial stages and does not consider himself to be an alcoholic.  He still feels that one day he would turn into a social drinker and drink like any other normal person.  The fact that he became worse when he relapsed after 2 years of sobriety itself shows that alcoholism is a progressive disease and the disease progresses even if you continue drinking or stay stop.  Most alcoholics wait till they touch rock bottom to come into recovery, some recover but others disintegrate into oblivion..a mental asylum or an alcoholic death. I do not want your husband to touch real rock bottom.  I hope & pray that he recovers.  But, first he should have the desire to stop and AA is the only answer.

Debbie, you have been caught in a loop and that makes you a co-dependent and I think you have been enabling your husband all this while.  If it is your decision to move on and lead a better life with your children, then so be it.  I'm glad that you have had the courage to make this decision.  It's your life and you have every right over it and your children have every right to get a better life.  You and your children have a whole life in front of you.  Many families disintegrate and get destroyed along with the alcoholic and I do not want this happen to you.  But, there is one suggestion. You should contact Al-Anon (a self-help group of co-dependents vis-a-vis family and friends of alcoholics).  Here you will find many like you who have gone through similar experiences like you have and they will be of great help in your recovery too.

Debbie, you have done the right thing.  You have a life, move on.  It's only after your husband touches rock bottom, then he will realize but God forbid that shouldn't happen.  He needs help and I hope he seeks it before something worse happens to him.

Mail me back if you have any questions or concerns.  God bless you and your family.



Amarnath