Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/6/2008

Question
My husband and I have been married almost 20 years and have a pre-teen son.  My husband is running family business and we struggle financially all the time.  he will not close business his father started even though it is losing money.  For the past several years he has been increasing his drinking until it is at levels of when he was in his 20's. We have a neighbor and my husband and neighbor cannot be around each other without drinking.  I know my husband is drinking on the way home from work; I have found 24 oz. beer cans in vehicle which he will lie about.  Also, noticed our company liquor bottles going down in amounts last year; confronted him which he denied so I marked one and it went down significantly in a week.  I have no support about this-his parents don't believe me and my parents are deceased.  My husband changes after 2-3 beers-he becomes belligerent, arrogant and verbally abusive to me.  He thinks he is witty and charming, but is not.  Recently our son and I came home late afternoon and husband was at neighbor's.  When he finally walked into house my son and his friend were back in a bedroom playing video games and I confronted my husband.  Told him he needed help-he obviously was self medicating to handle his work-related stress and he needed to get help.  He started yelling and I told him to get out.  He cussed at me, told me I was the one with problems and I could go **** myself.  He called our son out though I pleaded for him to leave our son out of this and he proceeded to tell our son I had told him to leave and then went on and on to our son about me, blaming me for everything wrong in our lives.  He then told our son that I didn't believe in showing anger and yelling; I was raised in a family of girls and my dad (deceased) was a wimp because he let his wife and daughters walk all over him.  I told him to leave and tried to get my son away from him. My husband left and then came back late at night. He acted like nothing was wrong the next day. We just started counseling for our son because he has behavior issues at home, particularly with me. He is at an age where he is very influenced by his dad. My husband thinks the counseling is short-term, just to deal with our son's behavior, but the counselor already has picked up on the tension in the marriage and has commented that our son seems to have a lack of respect for women.  I know my husband is in denial, but I cannot let him harm our son with his anger, bitterness, resentment and drinking.  What do I do?

Answer
Hello Lindsay,
What a difficult situation for you and your son! Although I do  not like diagnosing alcoholism from afar, clearly your husband's drinking is alcoholic as evidenced by the following: drinking and driving; lies about drinking, negative personality change, abuse, tension in your relationship, possible blackouts, behavior against his values, negative impact on son. I suggest concentrating on reducing the harm of his drinking to you and your son: continue to get your son help, but also focus on getting help for yourself, including professional help from someone who understands addiction. Do not confront your husband ever when he is under the influence; that is unsafe to do. I suggest that you explore the information available at the Al-Anon website (the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic): http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ and consider going to some meetings for support. It is important to learn the power of alcoholism, how you cannot control your husband's drinking, but only how you react to it; and that you must take care of yourself. At some point you may need to consider taking legal action to protect yourself and your son, and even removing yourself from the alcoholic environment. Take a look at my website for more help options: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html
Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com