Expert: Amarnath.B - 10/1/2008

Question
Hi, I am struggling deeply with coming to terms with the evil disease which has taken my father away. The last 3 yrs of my life have been consumed with trying to help my father get off the alcohol. Alcoholism finally ended his life 3 months ago & my life now is full of sorrow & guilt. I loved my father so much & seeing how the alcohol completely destroyed him has broken my heart. I could write so much but i will try & be as brief as i can with my trauma which is eating away at me. On new year's eve this year my father was found collapsed at home where he lived on his own & was taken to hospital where he nearly died, he pulled through & remained there for 3 weeks. He was sent home with many different tablets for his many health problems caused by the alcohol & was still so weak he could hardly walk. For 3 months i travelled to look after him as i have always been there for him. He couldn't walk very well or climb the stairs so he had to use a commode etc & have his bed downstairs. I live 13 miles away & did my travelling by train, i got some help from homecare nurses & we nursed him back to being able to walk better & got him eating again as he hardly ever ate. Once he was able to reach the shops though, he was back on the drink. All my efforts in helping him were destroyed & i was devastated. It was so hard & a strain, travelling, looking after my young son & doing everything i could for my father. I continued visiting my father though as i would never have turned my back on him but found myself cleaning him up etc as he would be going through withdrawal & in a mess, each withdrawal got worse than the last & i had done this so many times over the last few years. One particular visit a few weeks before he died was the worst & i called the doctors & paramedics, but he refused to go to hospital & would not accept any help even though they told him he could die. At home that night i felt that i could not take any more of the worry, stress that had been consuming my mind daily for so long & felt that i was heading for a breakdown myself. I decided i couldn't help him any more & what more could i do? I told him that i would only visit if he answered his phone & cut back my visits. I couldn't bare seeing him in such states any more. I was depressed & completely drained with it all, i had my son to think of. Just a few weeks  after the paramedics had been etc, i tried ringing but was getting no answer which happened quite alot but i felt something was seriously wrong this time - i just knew. I rang my uncle who lived near to my father & he found him on the floor - he had died. Now i am left with so many guilty feelings & feel he was my responsibility  - i let him down coz i wasn't there to help him in the end. I think to myself that if i had been there i could have saved him. I had always been there for him & my worst fear that i have been facing has come true. My father was a very intelligent man with a very good job & seeing what the alcohol did to him & how it took him away is extremely hard to come to terms with, he didn't deserve to go in this way, he was 54 yrs old. I loved him deeply & i know he loved me but i wonder what he was thinking of me at the end coz i wasn't there for him. Why do i feel so guilty & responsible?

Answer
Dear Kelly,

At the outset, my heartfelt sympathies goes out to you.

Now lets look at the bare facts.  Your father was an alcoholic who could've have been saved if he had the desire to save himself.  Millions of people, in a more worse situation than your father have come out of this dreaded disease of alcoholism by simply staying stopped and attending AA meetings. One has to have the desire to stop and stay stop otherwise, alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful, and incurable disease.  It cannot be cured but can only be arrested by complete abstinence.

To feel guilty is human.  By your own account I think you've done enough and there was nothing much you could do about his drinking as he just didn't want to stop.  I'm sure he would have felt as guilty as you are, maybe more because he had become a burden both to you and the society.  Having dealt with an alcoholic in your own family has made you a co-dependent and that's why you're feeling guilty.  It's now time to move on.  Be here and in the now and face the reality.  You've a whole life to look ahead and a son to take care of.  Now is the time to garner enough energy to move on and take care of yourself and your son.  It's a bitter lesson you've learned and make sure when your son is of age, that he gets to know about what his grandpa was like and what alcohol did to him so that it shouldn't happen again in your family.  Remember, alcoholism is also genetic.

I suggest you join Al-Anon (a support group of AA for co-dependents of alcohol vis-a-vis family, friends, etc).  Here you will meet others who have been in similar or worse situation as yours.

Stop feeling guilty and lets all pray for your father's soul.

God bless,


Amarnath