Expert: Clyde - 10/27/2008

Question
my boyfriend is about 60 days into sobriety, this will be his second try,  he was sober for 17 months about 3 years ago.   He has and does also take medication for a form of depression.  my concern is in regards to his quietness, silence now,  I know he is going thru alot of changes, and yes I am attending Al-anon.  I am not expecting things to be great, i realize regular relationship and life issues are still there.  But, is it somewhat common in newfound sobriety to be so quiet and non talkative ?  At times I am not sure what is going on with him, the lack of words or verbal communication.  Shall I do nothing and live thru it or is this a sign of some other underlying issue ?
Without trying to rush things, is there a time line where I can expect him and our relationship to kinda be back to the way it used to be--we have always been a crazy, funny, loving couple.  Now, we literally sit home on the couch for hours, days, all weekend. He shows no sign of wanting to do anything, not even go to my daughters home, which she is one of his favorite people.  And at a risk of opening up too much info--even sex is different.

Answer
jeanmarie,
    Thank you for your questions and for your honesty.  The truth of the matter is that he is probably exhibiting his way of grieving the loss of his best friend - alcohol.  Alcohol has done many great things for him and now that he does not have it he must find new relationships from which to gather whatever he felt alcohol was providing.  I won't go into all the many possibilities here, but suffice it to say that he is learning to live quite differently and yes, it will take time for him to adjust.

    The silence is nothing for you to worry about.  As long as he is seeing a therapist or psychiatrist who is administering the medications and sharing with this person his moods and his thinking then he will probably be OK for the most part.  Silence is kind of a "male" thing when working through problems.  Men tend to "go into the cave" and solve the problem; whereas women prefer to discuss the problem with others and she works out her solution in this manner.  Men have to learn not to "fix" her problem because she does not want that, she wants to be heard as she thinks through her problem.   (NOTE: you can get more on this from John Gray's book, "Men Are From Mar Women Are From Venus").

    The mistake men make is not realizing this thing of silence and letting the people in their lives know that they will be back when they have solved their problem.  Most do not know this about themselves and that means that many will go through life quite alone.

    The exuberance once shown by your boyfriend for fun and laughter (even the sexual fun and passion) is heightened by drinking.  Much of this has to do with lowering inhibitions.  He may have felt more alive sexually while drunk but sober he is a little embarrassed or ashamed of his sexual thoughts and desires.  It will be a subject that will have to be approached in time but probably not now. He needs to develop a trust that you will accept him for the way he is as a sober individual in the sexual aspect of your lives.

    All this has no time line. Sorry.  But if you have a good strong relationship you two will weather this storm and get to the other side.  I would suggest that you lift up prayers for God to give you the space and the words to share with him your love for him and your willingness to stay with him.  He will need reassurances that you are in this thing together.  But you will need to be in it with no conditions.  Just love him and work your own program.

    I hope this helps and write anytime

Grace and Peace,
Clyde