Expert: Clyde - 11/16/2008

Question
My boyfriend is a sweet, loving man. But he is immature, reliant on his family for financial/emotional support (daily). He is also insecure and has very low self esteem. He is always sure I will leave him, thinks he has no friends (even when he does) and is scared of social situations. hatif he is both mentally ill and addicted? I have left him and every night he begs, yells and fights on the phone and in person for me to come back. I am sorry for his pain but do not want the insanity anymore. I am not sure he is mentally or emotionally capable of reaching out for help. He hates and mistrusts people. His family has given up, as he was always trouble, with ADD, etc. What do I do? Feeling cruel.

Answer
Ann,
    Thank you for your question and for explaining some of the situation.

     What you describe is a person who immature and very fearful.  If he is drinking excessively or using recreational drugs he is most probably addicted to those.  If the alcohol is being abused he is probably alcoholic.  You do not say much about the level of his drinking.

     There is nothing you can do for this individual unless he chooses to do something about his problem.  He is best left alone to his own devices to make this decision.  He must hit an emotional as well as a physical bottom before he will believe that his way of life is not working too well and he needs to seek some help to discover a new way of living.

     What you can do is stay put wherever you are now and not go back.  If you really care for this person, you could suggest ONCE and ONCE only that he seek help at Alcoholics Anonymous.  Make it plain that you will not continue your relationship in any form until he has done this and has embraced the concepts of the 12-step program (i.e. get a sponsor, read the Big Book, and go to meetings regularly)  Beyond once and you merely beg him and that will do no good as you have already seen.  He must do this on his own.

      The immaturity is very often brought on by drinking at a very early age.  This drinking at that early age, I believe, impedes the maturity process and does not allow a person to grow out of childish behaviors.  It is unfortunate but there is a solution.

     I'll keep him in my prayers.  in the meantime, you are best where you are.

     Hope this helps give you some comfort on your decision you have made.  It is not an easy one to make.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde