Expert: Clyde - 11/22/2008

Question
When my boyfriend was drinking, he would call me profane names and sometimes become violent. It was like he was possessed by a demon. He would accuse me of sleeping with other men, which is not true. Some drunks are happy and playful, but he is not. I would like some insight into his mind. By the way, he is now in AA and he wont discuss these occasions with me or why he was interested in other women. Is he ashamed, embarrassed or just caught. I believe he knows what he did.
Any comments are appreciated,
Shaiyna

Answer
Shaiyna,
    Thank you for your questions.  There is a phenomena known as "blackouts" in an alcoholic's drinking.  These are real and they are very common among alcoholics.  You need only attend a few open meetings of AA and you will hear people who are in recovery talking quite openly about them.

    Those people are those who have worked the 12-steps and have come to the realization that those embarrassing and horrid things are what they did in the past and they "don't do those things anymore."  The things done in blackouts are largely lost to the memory but some bits and pieces do remain vivid enough to haunt the alcoholic.

    You say that your boyfriend is in AA and that is a blessing.  He has a chance to be one of those people who gets sober and accepts his past without shame or embarrassment.  But it takes time.  The steps are in the order they are in for a reason.  Not until step 4 does a person really own up to their sordid past and their bad behaviors and come clean about these by telling another human being.  The recovering person finds he needs to confess the misdeeds so that guilt and shame will be lifted and he can go on with living a sober life.  But it takes time.

   Unfortunately, for you, amends for the misdeeds and restitution to those we harmed comes in step 9.  There is no guarantee that an amend would be forthcoming to you, but by working a sincere program the chances are great that he would.  It takes time.

   You also mentioned demon possession - well, it is close to that as alcohol alters our minds and our feelings to such an extent that we become a "false" self.  What you see in the drunken state is not the real person.  They are truly "under the influence" and until they sober up, they remain out of their minds or insane.

   I hope this helps and write anytime I might answer more questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde