Expert: Clyde - 11/21/2008

Question
My boyfriend is what I'd consider an alcoholic. He has had 3 DUI's and been to rehab. He has become more responsible with his drinking, but continues to do so.

My question is how much can I trust what he says when he's been drinking? We all know the saying that drunken words are sober thoughts, but I have read that this isn't true for alcoholics. He says I'm the one he can't get over (we had previously broken up and just got back together), he loves me, he never wants to be with anyone else and wants to me to be his wife, etc. When he is sober he calls me sweetheart and kisses me so I think he has some recollection- but aside from straight up asking him I'd like an idea of how much of what he says is what he feels- whether the alcohol is giving him the courage to say it- or whether the alcohol is making things up for him.

Thank you for your help.

Answer
Danielle,
   Thank you for your questions.  The truth of the matter, as I see it and have experienced it, is this:  It depends on how long he has in his drinking career and how alcoholic that drinking has been.

   Alcohol stunts one's mental faculties, maturity process, and emotional health.  Many alcoholics who have long drinking careers have, indeed, lost the ability to feel, or to be emotional in many ways.  This is one of the strange things that happens to one who gets sober after so long - they experience feelings and they don't know what to do with them.

   I would not be able to assess what he is saying as truth or not - that will be up to you to decide.  I can suggest this: If he really does value your relationship with him and does want to marry you, then he would be able to stop the alcoholic drinking.  Period.

   Now, he will stop drinking for himself, not you, but his commitment to a life bonded to another whom he loves needs to be enough reason to do it for himself.  It may take him some time to decide this but I think the question needs to be put to him as this: Do you love me more than booze or beer and would you stop for good if you knew it caused problems with our relationship?

   You evidently are having enough questions in your own mind by asking the questions here and you need to know that entering into an alcoholic relationship is not good news.  It is fraught with heartache and troubles you can not now imagine.  3 DUI's are a sign that this young man does have a serious propensity to alcoholic drinking.  It is best that one stop entirely.

   I can suggest that Alcoholics Anonymous is a good place for him to sober up.  In here he can get a sponsor who can help him understand that his life needs to change and work the steps.  If you stay in relationship with him, I suggest that you, too, attend Alanon to understand what he is up against.

   I hope this helps and write anytime.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde