Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 11/17/2008

Question
My husband is an aloholic and has been for the last 7 to 8 years or so.  We
have been married for almost 3 years now and i've watched him chase after
the bottle every day since i met him. I used to drink with him and enabled his
habit by being his crime in partner but it got to a point where i found my
health deteriorating and i just felt plain awful physically.  

We have been trying to get pregnant since we got married and couldn't
conceive until i decided to better my health by going for acupuncture and
finally i made the move to visit the doctor and she did some tests on me and
my husband.  His sperm is 99% abnormal and dead, so we embarked on ivf.  
It took a lot of persuasion and fights before i could get a sample of semen
from him because he refused to face the fact that he has a problem.  And
argues about the fact that he fathered two children 20 years ago when he was
half his age, therefore.....

I started getting worried for myself and him about half way through our
marriage and began drinking less, hoping that he would follow suit.  That
didn't work.

I finally i got pregnant 2 months ago through ivf and lost the child last week
at 8 weeks and 3 days.  I had to do a D and C and am devastated as he is.  We
are both hoping to have a child as i am close to 38 and he is 42 already.  
Causes of miscarriage normally is due to chromosome abnormalties and i
can't but help think that it's his sperm or my egg quality that had something
to do with it.  I have basically stopped drinking and smoking and am trying to
get healthier whereas he is still in denial.

I don't know how we are going to conceive healthy children this way and it is
very frustrating to watch him destroy himself everyday.  He drinks at home
and normally after an hour of waking up.  Starts the whole day slowly till he
sleeps and is not going to work.  He goes to work once week out of the
month.  

Naturally he thinks i am nagging when i voice my concern and he also has a
heart problem which is hereditry.  He is pretty skinny and watches what he
eats but gets chest pains often and the other day when he was driving me to
the hospital after the miscarriage, he stopped the car and had sharp pains
going up his left arm.  I told my fertility doctor about it and he was taken for
a blood test and an ECG whilst i was in the operating room.  He admits that
he was shocked to see how bad his ECG report was but refuses to see the
heart specialist.  I can't tell you how frustrating it is to watch him go through
this and watch myself get more sad each day.  

He has no hobbies and does not like to deal with any problems, hence drinks
his life away.  Sometimes he gets into a state where he is ultra nasty and
lashes out on me.  Verbally and emotionally abusive toward me.  Few times in
the past he was physical too.

How can i help him help himself?  He used to be a drug addict and when he
kicked the habit he just went from drugs to alcohol!! And he won't admit that
fact and keeps saying i don't know what i am talking about.  He feels that
without the alcohol, there is nothing left.  He does not even like the taste of
alcohol, but just chases the bottle so that he can numb himself from whatever
it is, i don't know.  I am not sure why he can't face his demons and live life?  

Please help me.  I am thinking of writing him a long letter and voicing my
feelings and concern again...but it will just make him stop drinking
for 1 day
and then all is forgotten.  He goes through

about a bottle of vodka daily.  

HELP i am desperate, recovering from a miscarriage, sad, down trodden and
hopeless.

I have mentioned going away to Australia or the US to get help but of course
he chooses his sorry state of being an alcoholic over getting better.  Shall i
write him a long letter again?  Who do i turn to?  There are no proper AA
meetings here in Malaysia.  And rehab would be awful for him here.  They're
not condusive to the lifestyle he is used to.

Help!

Answer
Dear MLK

You need to find an alanon meeting for yourself. Sometimes if you gather family and friends to talk to him how he is killing himself, etc. he might go to rehab...this is called an intervention. If he doesn't want to stop, there is nothing you can do but leave and save yourself. There is no dishonor in letting go to save yourself.