Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 11/13/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello
I have been reading a few questions and answers on the same topic, however the reason why I'm asking a question is because I think every case is unique. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years before we broke up for 6 months and now we are back together. The reason why we broke up was because he has, well what i think is a problem with drinking.
My boyfriend will go to the pub and start drinking and won't stop. On top of that he dabbles in the white stuff which I'm totally against. When he does get drunk he becomes very nasty and I have had a run in with him where he nearly hit me. I know it sounds bad but the only reason why I didn't leave him is because I know he loves me and he really wants to change.
I have tried to support him by telling him that he should stop doing it and I have suggested groups that he should go to, however it is always just talk and I never see the action. Anyway we are now back together on the promise that these things would be of the past. For the last three months I am seeing the same signs again and I'm scared at the possibilities. His family has spoken to him and he reassures us that things are going to change.

I have a lot of feelings for him, but I am also now beginning to resent him because I feel like the drink and drugs is more important than me or family.

In saying this my boyfriend does not drink everyday but when he does its excessive. Does this mean he has a problem. When we go out, he always wants to go to the pub instead of having a quality night out with no alcohol. Does this also mean he has a problem?

Sometimes I blame myself for his drinking because I think the relationship put pressure on him but he tells me that is not the case. I really would like to know what I should do.

Is there a future for me and him? or should I walk away?

Please help

Poetic





ANSWER: Hello Poetic,
It is truly a struggle to know what to do when someone you love has an alcohol or drug problem. The very first point to make is that your boyfriend's alcohol and drug use is NOT the result of pressure from you or the relationship. Also, he may indeed love you, but addiction can be more powerful than love. When trying to diagnose the presence of alcoholism, we look for patterns of negative behavior and signs of loss of control; it's not always the frequency of use that indicates a problem, but what happens when the person does drink. I see the following behaviors that indicate alcoholism: tension in intimate relationships (yours and with his family), with promises to change that do not occur; negative personality change, including verbal and physical assaultive behaviors (almost); desire on the part of the drinker to cut down or control use, with failure to do so; use of other drugs such as cocaine. By the way, cocaine use with alcohol can be associated with severe problems, including aggressive, paranoid, and other dangerous behaviors. My advice is to state clearly the consequences for further alcohol or drug use by your boyfriend, such as a separation that will last until he completes treatment, attends 12 Step Programs, and is clean and sober for a substantial time frams (for ex., six months). Attendance of Al-Anon meetings may help you gain the strength to do what is best for you and your boyfriend: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. Good luck. Cehck out my website for more help.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your advice. I would just like to ask if I should give him the final warning and say when he has his next episode that I am leaving him until he goes on the 12 step programme.

I think he is very paranoid because I do find him questioning me when I go out with my friends. However he has not drunk for 2 weeks because he has been on medication for his back but I am scared of when he is fully fit.

Answer
Hi Poetic,
I love your name by the way. Yes that sounds OK, but not when he is drunk or high. The paranoia may be, as I suggested earlier, due to cocaine use, but is also associated with alcoholism. Good luck.
Jan Edward williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com