Expert: Clyde - 12/1/2008

Question
QUESTION: Dear Clyde,

Please offer some soothing thoughts on just how I can let go of my ex-husband.  I divorced him 3 years ago, because of the terrible toll the drinking was taking on the children and myself. We have been to a counselor and to church together and He agreed that he needed help and that he loved only me, but wasn't ready to stop drinking.  In this long 3 years, I have been on and off with him even though we are divorced and living separately.

I don't believe I had a biblical reason to divorce him, I just couldn't take it anymore. I thought after throwing him out, he would reach bottom, now he is living the single life...happily!

But, after being let down again and again I cannot stomach even talking to him anymore. We haven't talked in 3 weeks, and have learned that he is seeing someone else now. I have been financially destroyed, and heartbroken.  My mind is playing tricks on me, thinking I could have or should have done more.  I need help to stop this pattern of thinking and move on with my life. I am praying every day, going to church every week , but I still am in despair.

What can I do to make all of this stop?

Thank you

ANSWER: Theresa,
     Thank you for your questions and your story.  What you are describing is the active part of grief which is in the stage of bargaining.  We will return to this very early stage of grief from time to time so it is only natural.  After three years I am sure that there have been moments of acceptance for you (the last and final stage of grief).  Even though these may be fleeting they have probably been there.

    After three years and your having not moved on from this relationship signals either of two things - you either really loved this man or you are caught up in a relationship addiction.  Many people are drawn to alcoholics because of their own unfinished business or issues from early childhood.  Doesn't mean that we are bad people for carrying these but there is a sickness there.  I would characterize it as a "soul sickness" much like we say in AA about the "hole in the soul" into which we threw all sorts of addictive behaviors to fill it up.  We could not.

    If you really loved this man, then my suggestion is to allow God to direct you to the gut-wrenching sense of real loss and go ahead and grieve it in all its depth and pain.  It will need to be done in order for your healing and moving on.  It is a testimony to your understanding of marriage to allow this to occur as you probably DO have a spiritual connection to your husband, although he does not realize it nor does he acknowledge it. What I am suggesting is that true love can be very hurtful and divorce is often worse than death - the person to whom we still want to dedicate our lives and pour out our hearts does not want it, and that hurts deeply.

    Your husband is still caught up in the lie of alcoholism but he does not realize it.  He may never realize it.  That is why you must move on and stop the pain you are inflicting on yourself.

     If you are, however, in the throws of your own relationship addiction, then something will need to be done to bring that into the open.  You will have to own it and be willing to look at yourself. I can suggest that you obtain a copy of a book about relationship addictions that is the best I have seen.  It is titled "Leaving the Enchanted Forest" by Stephanie Covington.  By being willing to read this and contemplate its message to you, I think you will alleviate your mind of worry and concern about your own sanity.  In either case, you will know was it real love for the husband that just is not being reciprocated or are there patterns you'll want to know about to avoid pitfalls when you find that special person in the future.

     You are a spiritual person who knows God as you are praying and attending church regularly.  Use today and this connection with someone who understands your situation as a message that God has some work for you to do and His message will maybe be a little clearer.

     I'll hold you in my prayers as you prayerfully reflect on my answers to your questions.

    I hope this helps and write anytime.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Clyde,
    Thank you for your very quick response.  I was greatly soothed by your answer and have had a small breakthrough because of your words.
    After going to the library and then to the bookstore to find that book, (which neither had, I need to try Amazon) I sat down and read some other books, and began to see through the words of others, that my situation is not so different than so many who have gone before me.
    It seems that yes I was deeply in love with my husband, and believed in him completely.  However he was unable to return in any meaningful way the type of love needed in a spiritual committed relationship.  My husband is lost to the alcohol and there is nothing I can do about it.
    Because my husband had not the power or the faith to reach out to anyone for help, divorce became a safety net for me and the kids.  I truly believed that after each new line in the sand I drew, he would open his eyes, get back to church and come back to me.  
    I see now that those are my dreams, not his.  Now I am going to church alone, but today, instead of focusing so much of my energy on him and the fact that he is gone, I see that I need to change my thinking, and focus on God and how I can take a forward step.
    As I refuse to be a party to the abuse anymore, I am alone more than I wish to be, but I realize that this time can be used to grow closer to God and the life he wants for me.
    The pain is so great, that I am not sure I can endure it, and then I remember this is what faith is for.
    Its a long letter, I know, but thank you for your help and consideration.

Theresa

ANSWER: Theresa,
   Thank you for the follow-up.  It is inspiring to hear that you've evidently broken through to something spiritually deep within yourself.  It is amazing how when we share our depths with someone and speak the truth, we are better able to hear what God wants us to hear in the other person sharing their own truth, experience, strength, and hope.  I am glad that I am able to convey some of my own spiritual understanding to give you words to think about.

   The love for your husband must have run deep and it is that river you will have to cross safely to the other side.  You are in the middle of some rapids and trying desperately to paddle out of them but I think you are realizing that God is the one who will and can pull you out and get you across.  A spiritual bottom at which place we will say, "Help me!"

   I can tell you that the process of grieving this loss will be hard and may get even harder as you progress but the rewards of doing this now are immense and immeasurable.  Your very decision to look up that book has taken you beyond the fear of not doing anything to reading words from others in the field who have inspired your prompting to healing.  You will no doubt have some books to suggest to someone else in the future. - those that spoke to your heart and soul.

    I wish you well as you seek God in this circumstance and might I quote a biblical passage which might be helpful:  It is from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-21.
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not despise prophecies. 21 Test all things; hold fast what is good.

    I hope this helps and write anytime.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Clyde,

    Thank you for your ongoing support.  I thought I would drop you a few lines detailing how well I have been doing since our initial conversation.
    Looking inward and up to God instead of remaining in that vicious circle of only wanting my ex-husband to come to his senses has changed my day to day actions and has freed me from unhealthy thoughts and allowed me to be thankful for what I do have.  I had forgotten that I have many reasons for which to be thankful; and for the people who love me.
    The past 3 years have been difficult, but I now realize that I need to be patient and wait for Gods plan.
    Thank you for your help and kindness.

Theresa  

Answer
Theresa,
    Thank you for the follow-up.  It is good to know that the breakthrough you have experienced has continued - that means it was a real manifestation of a power greater than you or me.  Marvelous.

    I will keep you in my prayers as you continue this road of recovery and self-discovery that awaits.  Who knows what good things God will do with what we at first think to be bad.  It is what I call redemption.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde