Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 11/6/2008

Question
Hello Jan, all this is very new to me.  I think its great you answer so many questions for people.  I am concerned about a 29 year old women I have recently started dating.  You should know her mother is an alcoholic that is apparently now sober.  We have been dating about 2-3 months. In that time I have witnessed at least 3 times, while out at a bar, her drinking to the point that she takes on a different personality; its like shes present...but not. its like she checked out and someone else is present.   She also has a history of blacking out-only remember bits and pieces of the night.  This last time, while in a bar, she stated she was not drunk (when clearly she was) and proceeded to take out an airplane bottle of vodka and drink directly out of the bottle...while standing at the bar!  I confronted her the next day, told her I would not tolerate her behavior( she wanders around talking to random people putting me in a situation where I have to track her down and find her).  She felt bad, and stated her last boyfriend used to complain about the same thing to her. She said a couple times she even left the bar her boyfriend was at-he had not idea where she was!  But I don't think he held her accountable.  Outside of these incidents we have enjoyed numerous occasions were we drank wine or liquor with out incident-she was her normal self. its every few weeks she takes it to this extreme.  So this weekend I am intending to ask her how she feels about her drinking habit and the effects it has recently had on our relationship.  My question to you is do her behaviors raise a flag with you?  How do I best approach this subject with her?  And where do I go from here?  Can someone with this disease manage self control and limit drinks to a couple.  Or is it typically an all or nothing deal?  I am very grateful for your opinion.  Thanks.

Answer
Hello Tomas,
Your description certainly does raise red flags. A person whose parent is alcoholic and who has a high tolerance for alcohol is six times more likely to become an alcoholic. Your friend is evidencing indicators of a pattern of behaviors that suggest she is developing alcoholism: negative personality change, tension in intimate relationships, and behavior against her value system. I do not know whether the problem has reached the point that she can no longer control her drinking; time will tell. I suggest being very honest with her about the behaviors you have observed that show a problem and let her know you cannot continue in the relationship unless she stops the behaviors either by controlling her drinking, or if she cannot, by abstinence. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com