Expert: Rebos - 11/3/2008

Question

My husband and I have been married almost 25 years. We have 5 children. I had two children when we got married and he adopted them. Then we had 3 of our own together. Our youngest is 20 years old now and lives at home with us. My husband is not verbally or physically abusive but can be negative and critical at times with the kids. He drinks to the point where he falls asleep (passes out almost everynight.) There will be days where he doesn't drink ,or appears not to be because I have questioned him on his drinkng, so he will slow down and even stop for a while. He has a good job and is highly regarded in his community of work. He does a lot of charity and work for the poor. He has a deep faith and prays and reflects quietly every morning before he goes about his day. He is a very good person and often tells me how much he loves me. We have been for counseling about his drinking problem and he's good for a while, but starts all over again. The drinking has affected our relationship becasue he doesn't talk the same when he's had a few drinks in him. He falls asleep early and this takes away from time with each other and our kids. He snores a lot when he drinks and this affects our sleep patterns and I'm more tired then usual. I find I get resentful and bitter toward my husband. We both come from Christian based homes, so we share our catholic faith together by going to church together, and praying together at times. I have been to alanon meetings, but I find they haven't really helped me much. I see people that I know there and know my husband (we live in a smaller city)  I hear this all the time about going to alanon meetings and I don't mind going, but I find I'm not getting the guidance I am looking for. I find this fustrating. If my husband were to go to a.a. meetings, it would be different because I feel I wouldn’t be talking behind his back. We are moving into our new house in 2 weeks. Can I make it an alcohol free home and start fresh. The reason for that, is that he orders wine by the cases from a buddy and I don't like all the booze in the house. I find I am drinking wine more often because it's always there. So I have been making a conscious effort to cut down in drinking wine. I can quit completely, if I have to to, but I want to be certain for what reason I am doing it for. I'm just tired of all this booze consumption and I think it's a bad example to our son still living at home. Can I say to my husband, I want this to be an alcohol free home. If someone brings a bottle of wine over now and then, is that o.k. If my husband were to join a.a., I would support him and do what I can to help him through. Our kids know that their dad has a problem and have lived with it for a long time. When he's sober, he's a good dad, but his drinking has caused distance and emotional neglect which my daughter has been councelled for. How much can I control? Is it all or nothing? Can I allow no booze in the house. How do I approach this matter with my husband.


Answer
Good morning Angele Ste. Marie and thank you for your question. Your question has so many aspects to it that I doubt that I will be able to answer all of them. You will have to excuse me if I miss any, but you can send me a follow-up question if I do. First off; if you take a cucumber and turn it into a pickle you can never turn it back to a cucumber again. Alcoholism never gets better on its own… It always gets worse! I don’t care how hard you may pray, nor how deeply religious that you and your husband are, but if you have a toothache you had better be praying on the way to the dentist. There is no shame in being an alcoholic the shame is in doing nothing about it. I believe that God himself won’t knock the drink out of a drunk’s hand… It’s known as addiction and self will!

No, I don’t believe that you have the power to have a hit or miss alcohol free house. Your husband will find a way to continue drinking. He once and for all has to realize that he has a terminal disease that will eventually kill him if he doesn’t get help. You seem to want it both ways… one hand you want an alcohol free house, and on the other hand, in case a friend brings in a bottle of wine, that’s okay? If you are having a problem with drinking, get help for yourself. If you don’t have a problem… stop drinking!

The real sad part of your husband’s alcoholism is the profound negative effect that his drinking will have on his children. So many times have I heard “I will never be like my father”, but in most cases the kids end up worse than Dad was! You’re only hope is for you to go back to Alanon and for you husband to go back to AA. Get active in your respective groups as though your lives depended on it. AND IT DOES! There is Alateen for your children. You have to stop being an enabler. Thank you Rebos