Expert: Druideck - 11/28/2008

Question
I have been in a 5 year relationship with a man whom I believe to be an alcoholic, I will give you a little insight and hope that you can confirm this. When we met I had just left a 10 year relationship with my University Boyfriend and had lost my Mother after spending some years caring for her with Cancer. I fell instantly in love with him and was happy to indulge in his lifestyle of social drinking at that time. His family are quite dysfunctional, his Mother has always been Bi-Polar, His father a very heavy drinker and his sister has suffered with depression since a breakdown some years past and they all lived together. Over the first few years there were a number of drunken arguments between us but when he was sober he was so kind, conscientious and loving. I then bought a house and became pregnant. Since living in 'our' house and particularly through pregnancy and the subsequent birth of our daughter he went out more and more without me and commonly went on 2 and 3 days drinking binges. I recognize from what I have read that I was enabling this by either - locking the door don't come home or getting him a new job when he got sacked, either or. I also understand again from what i have read that I became very co-dependant (my family were entirely normal with no dependances/ mental illness etc but my Mother though caring would never even use the word 'love' but I know she loved us dearly) recently after a binge he returned home to find I had put his things outside and came in and set fire to the kitchen whilst I was upstairs (there has been a number of such incidents) He was arrested and now faces the penalty this may bring, although I have said I did not wish to go to court. After a short while I asked him to come home again, desperate to have this normal family life and we did albeit short. It didn't take too long for him to disappear again as his Father has recently come into several thousand pounds all of which he will spend on drink and happily encourage my partner to join him. I 'snapped' overdosed on sleeping tablets and am now being treated for depression. He simply walked away, he left his things, his car, his job, us everything and made no effort to contact me or even enquire through friends about my well being. Since then I have been contacting him sporadically to try to arrange meetings to see our daughter (but in reality I want him to see me) also on the occasion I do drink I will get very upset and try to contact him then. I know to his family and friends he blames my arguing and trying to control his drinking on all the trouble that has been caused, I sometimes wonder if it was my fault, had I held the hurt and anger in when he went missing etc, he wouldn't have become angry and it would have settled down again? He has told me that he no longer loves me, we are over and he will need to 'straighten his head out' before he sees our baby. I can't accept this, He has been drinking solidly every single day now for the last 6 weeks- helped by his dad. Does he mean this? I can't believe he does because during the periods where he was sober or not drinking terribly heavily we were so close and happy. I hope you can answer this honestly because I need to hear it even if it is that there is no longer any 'us'. I know the relationship was awful and I would tell a friend to run away fast and not look back. I am 10 years younger than him, have a great family and friends and a good job and it does get a little easier some days but others are horrific it feels like he's dead and I can'[at accept it, I'm just pretending to those around me. So that's really the question, do you think he means it, when the money has gone will he come back to me? On dark days I would gladly have him back, problems as well. I know that sounds pathetic but I am being honest. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated, I'm so consumed by the upset I can't function.

Answer
Kerry,

the first thing I want to say
is that when things are going badly
it is easy to feel like it will never
end. You are right that to people on
the outside the solution seems direct
and an easy choice, just let go.
When a relationship is bad it doesn't just
get better by itself. It takes two
mature people working together to
improve things. IF your boyfriend
is a problem drinker or alcoholic
he does not have the resources or
the skills for a good relationship.
This you have experienced.
Your desire to be with him may be stronger
than usual due to some problems in your
own person. By this I mean you are experiencing
a feeling similar to a person that is
addicted to a substance.
As much as he wants to drink you want him.
This is sometimes referred to as "relationship
addiction" This can be a very overwhelming
problem and stems often from our need for
love being excessive. Sometimes it is that
we do not feel whole as a person and look
for someone to make us feel complete.
You may find troubled men and believe if you
do everything right and love them enough
they will change and life will be perfect.
But they do not change, they are still men
with big problems and poor choices for
any good relationship with any woman.
All this does not make the present
circumstances any easier but it may
give you some insight to the problem
with chasing or waiting for this man
to suddenly change into the person you want.
He has years of recovery to do even if he
stops drinking with help from
treatment, counselling and AA meetings.
Recovery from alcoholism is a lifetime choice.
If he continues to drink he will likely
get worse in all aspects of his life
including his ability to relate to you
or to treat you with respect.
This difficult time is painful but
it may be time to look at why any man
would be so important to you that you
would be willing to accept poor treatment.
This is not good for you or him.
He needs to learn how to control his
bad behaviour and care for people.
He may never make that choice but you
can make new choices for yourself.
You are a whole person and will
never need anyone else to make you whole.
Your wholeness is inside not outside in
the form of this or any man.
What you feel may not be love at all,
just the desparation a person feels
when they think they have found a
life preserver.
IF you really loved this man then you
could walk away and let him learn how
to live his own life.
Love is a choice not a desparate need
for someone.
Please get some of Robin Norwood's
books on "Women who love too much"
They are online or maybe at your library
or bookstore. Worth every penny.
They will help you get through this
and out of the pain.
Also Al-Anon groups can be beneficial.