Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/22/2008

Question
HELLO. I AM DESPERATE TO FIND SOME DIRECTION IN MY LIFE. I FEEL LIKE I AM MARRIED TO TWO DIFFERENT HUSBANDS. THE SOBER HUSBAND ( FOUR DAYS A WEEK) WHO I CAN LAUGH AND HAVE FUN WITH, AND THE HUSBAND WHO GETS DRUNK THREE TIMES A WEEK. WHEN HE GETS DRUNK, I COMPLETELY SHUT OFF. I FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND HIM. HE CAN BE VERY RUDE, EASILY PISSED OFF, AND JUST PLAIN SLOPPY.I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT HIM. YES, HE HAS ROLLED HIS CAR DUE TO DRINKING. I HAVE SMALL KIDS, AND AM ALWAYS TELLING HIM TO NOT SWING THEM, OR ROUGH-HOUSE WITH THEM, BECAUSE HE IS NOT SOBER. I CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE STORE WITHOUT WORRYING THAT HE MIGHT FALL ASLEEP WHILE OUR KIDS ARE THERE, INCLUDING AN INFANT.  HOW IS IT I CAN MENTALLY GO FROM LOVING HIM ONE DAY, THINKING EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT, TO BEING NAUSEATED BY HIS WALKING, FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, PISSY ATTITUDE OVER DUMB THINGS, ECT. I DO NOT LOVE THAT SIDE OF HIM IN ANY WAY! BUT WHEN HE'S SOBER, I FEEL EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK. I HATE THE UPS AND DOWNS. WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT. IT SEEMS THAT EVER SINCE I INSISTED IT BE ONLY THREE TIMES A WEEK, INSTEAD OF 4-5, HE RESENTS ME. I FEEL LIKE WE COULD BE GREAT, WHEN HE'S SOBER. BUT WHEN HE DRINKS, NOT SO MUCH. I HOPE I AM MAKING SENSE. I AM TRYING TO CRAM SEVERAL YEARS OF HISTORY INTO PARAGRAPHS. PLEASE HELP ME. I DO LOVE HIM. HE IS A GREAT HUSBAND AND FATHER, WHEN HE'S NOT DRINKING

THANK YOU!

Answer
Hi Lindsay,

Thank you for writing AllExperts and I hope this advice will give you the direction and peace of mind that you need. Be assured that you are married to only one person, but when he's wrapped up in the 'disease' he has a whole other personality.

Your husband is in denial that he's an alcoholic. He wants both the family and the drink, and also wants you put up with it. You can't allow it. His behavior is dysfunctional for all of you and if it's not manged now, it will only get worse.

I have a test for alcohol addiction on my site: check out - http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-abuse.html and print it. When he's not drinking and in a good mood ask him to do the tests to see that there really is a problem. This is a good way to break his denial.

Tell him how much you love him and how great a husband and father he is, but you can't live like this. Demand that he goes into treatment or to AA. You may also want to check out Al Anon meetings in your area, or schedule a few counseling sessions to give you the strength to stand up to him.

Alcoholics have a love/hate relationship with drink. They want to quit, but they also have mixed feelings about doing so. If there are other family members who are aware of his drinking, form an alliance and confront him. He'll be very upset, but he needs to be pressured to get help. You and the kids deserve the husband and father you love.

All the very best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com