Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 11/8/2008

Question
My boyfriend was already an alcoholic when i met him but i didn't know much about it being a real disease. for a whole year, he was unemployed, would drink at least 6 beers a night adding several shots of hard liquor. when he drinks, no matter what the amount is something happens to him. it's like he blacks out and becomes a completely different person. he talks to himself and sees things. one night he disappeared from the house around 4am and i found him skateboarding down the streets... he is 26 years old by the way. he rarely remembers things once he sobers up the next day. we broke up once because of his drinking a few months back and that is the only/first time i've heard him admit to having a problem. alcoholism does run very strongly in his family also. when he admitted to having a problem his attitude was very positive and he said he could just not drink anymore. he said he never wanted to touch it again because he didn't want to lose me. well, he has lied to make me believe he has been sober for several months. last night i "caught" him very drunk after work. i went over to his house to kind of surprise him and he was drunk. he drove his brand new 31,000 dollar vehicle an hour home from work that drunk. he already has one dui as well. i have yet to talk to him today (sober) but nothing much was said last night except for a lot of crying from me because i know he won't remember it anyways. i just don't know what to do. he is not willing to go to AA meetings. i love him very much and i want to help him but it is just so hurtful.

Answer
Hello Jessica,
It is terribly painful, I know, to watch someone you love killing himself with alcoholic drinking, and to be unable to control the situation. Lies and manipulation and hurting people are all the result of the disease of alcoholism. Your boyfriend may, in his heart, love you, but the disease of alcohol addiction is more powerful. In fact, the most difficult aspect of your situation is coming to believe that you are powerless over your boyfriend's drinking. Only pain and consequences usually can help the alcoholic to decide to seek help and stop drinking. So, as painful as it may be, I suggest you focus on taking care of yourself and learning to avoid behaviors that enable your boyfriend to continue to drink. Al-Anon, the Twelve Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic, can provide you with support and information about allowing the natural consequences of your boyfriend's alcoholic behaviors to occur: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ At some point, with the support of others who have also experienced the situation themselves, you may be able to inform your boyfriend that the relationship is over (and stick to that position) until he can prove a significant period of sobriety. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com