Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/6/2008

Question
I think I know the answer to that question, but I want to be sure before I make any decisions that will harm him.  We have been dating for 7 months now.  He has always drank a couple of beers or half a bottle of wine every night.

He also smokes pot everyday.  The first thing he does in the morning is smoke. This has never bothered me because it does not seem to change his behavior. Therefore I worry that I have been an enabler.

About twice a month he has a big night out and drinks till he can't remember. He always makes it home and is very guilty about his action.  He is never angry, more sad.  He normally ends up crying and talking about his problems and worries in life.  The next day he is back to his normal drinking/smoking pattern.

However one of our friends had a serious accident last week, and he has not been able to cope with it.  Instead he has gotten drunk 3 times in one week.  The last two days he has not even come home to sleep.  He is drinking all night and all day.  The first night he drank with his friend, and then last night he was in the street alone.  I know this because I called him at 7am to ask where he was.  He also has missed two days of work.  Before he spent three months looking for a job and I am worried that he will loose this one.

I love him and want the best for him.  I realize it is out of my power to help him.  I have not seen him yet or talked to him in a sober state for more than 48 hours.  

We live together now.  Is it best to kick him out of the house right away? Or should I take him back "under my terms"? I don't want to live with him right now in his state.  And from reading some of the posts it sounds like it could help him hit rock bottom.  

Please tell me how I can help him.

Answer
Hi Laura,

It sounds like your boyfriend has numerous problems and copes with  stress by using alcohol and pot. Here are some tests which will answer your question regarding his alcohol abuse:

Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-abuse.html  I'm quite sure he's an alcoholic or very close to it.

Here's a test for pot: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/marijuana-test.html

You're right. It is out of your power to stop him from drinking, but it's not out of your power to demand that he help himself. You should not have to live like this.

Stand up for your rights. Tell him you're fed up. You love him but if he doesn't go to AA or addiction counseling (or both) he has to leave. Stand firm. Don't nag, beg, or feel sorry for him. It's either he gets help or you're moving on.

This is not easy, but taking a hard line provides the possibility that he'll get the help he needs.

Thanks for writing AllExperts

Beverley Glazer
http:www.untwist-your-thinking.com